The "Grand Tour of Buddhist India", a major contribution to our pilgrimage programme, visited nearly all the major sites of Buddhist history and archaeology in India: Elephanta, Kanheri, Bhaja, Karla, Nasik, Ajanta, Ellora, Sanchi, Sarnath, Bodhgaya, Rajgriha, Kusinagara and Lumbini, just over the border in Nepal. Along the way we wrote notes and poetry some of which we record here. Julia has prepared a memorial for Brian Beresford in which her poems appear and which was read at the Buddhist Art Exhibition, Bristol October 1997.
Prologue
Natasha Caitlin Lawless (age 9)
India, India
Oh wonderful India - such a lovley place
With baskets on heads
And cattle on streets
I hope it will be like this forever.
India, India
Oh lovley India, my very true place
With monkeys playing
And women washing
I could surely stay here forever.
(I rather like Natasha's spelling of lovley and have retained it. Ed.)
Buddhist Caves Kanheri
Julia Lawless
Dry leaves
crackle
in the arid dust.
Azure blue butterflies
drift
in the languid heat.
Ancient steps
worn
through centuries of habitation
all deserted
now
to snakes and monkeys.
Only the fragrance
of the Japanese magnolia
lingers
it's twisted roots
clinging
to the bare grey rock.
Bodhgaya
John Crook
Marble floors surround the Bo tree,
birds' calls, deep shade and fluttering leaves.
Was I ever anywhere else?
Dusk falling buffaloes, wandered home,
feed from large bowls fronting the houses.
Old ashram doors open over a river of sand.
Smoke stacks hiding brickwork fires belch in the night,
old clay to new homes,
empty time moving.
Paradakshina
slowly pacing footfall on marble
soft swish of passing robes around the square
mandala of the lamp-lit temple grounds
one side, citywards, noisy, the other not.
Nirvana and samsara
come up and fade away
as round and round I go.
Deep in the ancient cell below massive stones
candles weave shadows where the still image glows
in the bright silence - no one moves.
Initiation
Julia Lawless
He scoops some water
from the river in a battered ladle,
aluminium with a broken handle,
then, squatting on the deck,
he sets it on the flame of a tiny bunsen-burner
no bigger than a candle.
Brown leaves ground to dust through poverty,
he brushes the precious powder
into a thermos flask...
the rest shipped out in casks depicting
saffron saris. "Who will drink some chai?"
He passes me the mud brown liquid,
all spice and sugar
gathered once green from hills above Darjeeling
now steeped in sweat and ashes:
bloated corpses locked
in stagnant eddies or bodies burning
on smooth broad steps,
where, in full view, you wash your laundry
..my dirty sheets..
while cattle wade through
iridescent pools of oil and at first light
your devotees meet.
Mother India, condensed
into a tea cup for convenience.
Offered here, unceremonially..
life blood of the Ganges,
heart of Asia for a thousand years:
'one taste' of eternity.
Calcutta
John Crook
Today
a thousand eyes met mine
sitting in my high bus chariot
viewing this mouldering city
of cheerful faces, Bengali smiles
monsoon washed with brown-eye brilliance
down by the river throwing images of Durga
into the rising tide.
The bats are out in the darkening sky
flamed rose and misted by greying dusts.
Sitting on the swept pavement for their evening meal
this small family feeds from brass bowls
gleaming, our morning's gift.
From our high balcony we saw them
mother washing kids in the light of dawn
folding the canvas awning of their shelter
preparing another street-wise day.
Seeing us far above them, Olympians,
the children waved.
No way could we not respond.
Mother smiled, her pride
a way of life Calcutta time.
Pilgrimmage to Kailas
The Holy Mountain of Western Tibet.
John Crook
If a mountain trek may be described as an "epic" this surely was it. Almost every anticipated hazard and difficulty was encountered together with several that were unexpected. The plan was to enter Tibet by way of Humla (N.W Nepal) during a window of opportunity between the ending of the monsoon and the onset of the Tibetan winter. In 1997 the winter came early and caught us nicely exposed on the plains around Kailas and Manasarovar. As a consequence of the severe weather with snow around the mountain the yak men declined to take our equipment over the Dolma la since snow on the rough descent on the far side might lead to the yaks breaking legs. This meant we were unable to fulfil our aim of circumambulating the mountain. We did however succeed in placing the ashes of Lord Ennals and the hat of Bryan Beresford at the Dolma rock on the top of the pass. This was a prime function of my personal expedition and of several of the clients.
A break in the weather had suggested a window of opportunity. Several of us walked up to the cairn at Drirapuk where the Sherpas did ser.kyem and others made offerings, mantras etc to the mountain, the remarkable north face of which appeared splendidly before us. This had been a long approach walk and I for one was very tired by the time I reached the cairn. I knew I would not have the strength to go on to the top of the pass that day. As the weather stayed improved I allowed Alec Lawless, our strongest walker who was keen to go, to make an attempt at reaching the Dolma rock on the top of the pass to leave Lord Ennals' ashes and the hat of Brian Beresford there. He set off after emotional hugs from the group. Sangye Sherpa, who had done the route before, accompanied him. I had a worrying four hours until Alec and Sangye arrived back in camp at dusk having completed their mission under very tough conditions, racing back to get in before daylight failed. I had felt like a Commanding Officer who had ordered men into action and didn't know whether they would succeed against the odds. Theirs was a fine effort allowing us to claim one success for the expedition.
On returning we had seen four men descending the track on the far side of the river carrying a kind of stretcher. It looked as if they were bringing a body down. And so it turned out. Two Germans, apparently without a guide, had succumbed to exposure on the Dolma la the night before. Police had visited our camp while we were away checking on us. I was relieved when all of us were in camp again.
The return trek into Nepal over the enormously intimidating Nara Lagna la proved hazardous with snow on the narrow track above steep precipitous slopes. I was extremely concerned lest a single slip or mis-step cause a damaging fall to an inexperienced trekker. I myself had the scariest few hours I can remember for many a year. Fortunately it was a bright day with sunshine. Had there been ice on the track I doubt whether we could have crossed the pass without accident. Even the sherpas remarked that it was dangerous for Western trekkers - especially rather elderly ones however fit.
In spite of being a very heterogeneous party, morale was sustained throughout although some four members were very disappointed at not completing the kora, - even though three of these were not fit enough to attempt it. Most members had read little before coming, had little interest in the cultural aspects of the tour and were somewhat taken aback by the ferocity of the Tibetan climate and the demands of the trek but most greatly enjoyed the walking and responded well to the risks inherent in the adventure.
The scenery was outstanding throughout and some of the walks the most wonderful I have personally experienced and well appreciated by the group. The temples at Tsaparang and Toling were formidably impressive. As trek leader I gave two lectures on history, Buddhist art and thought and a guided tour of the mural paintings at Tsaparang and Toling and could have said more but was somewhat disappointed by the apparent lack of interest in such matters within the party. Even so all members appreciated the magnificent scenery and weathered the alarming, anxiety provoking and sometimes downright scary times well. I was indeed quite impressed by the philosophical attitude to their adventure which became general in the group. This is not to say that there were not times when most of us would have preferred to have been back home in a warm bed!
This was not a demonstrative group of people. Private in their feelings and attitudes I none the less sensed that the experience of hardship on this adventure meant a lot to them and that they were encouraged by their own fortitude and resourcefulness.
On our return trek we stopped for lunch at Yangar Gompa and some of us with two sherpas visited the Rimpoche. He was very sympathetic regarding our trials in Tibet, saddened by the news of the Germans' deaths and impressed by our attempt at the kora and by the fact that we had left memorials on the top of the pass in spite of the conditions. He remarked that many great sages and spiritual persons had come to Kailas throughout history. When there is real spiritual intent there are always difficulties. The purpose of the kora is purification from the past so that one returns "reborn" in life. Often purification is difficult and this is expressed through encountering obstacles, sometimes inner, sometimes outer. What counts is then the way one struggles with obstacles.
The Rimpoche told us that the way we had striven on the mountain more than outweighed our failure in not completing the circuit. Often indeed this struggle completes the purification itself, he said. We should not feel that we had failed but rather nobly succeeded. He was amused at the idea that we had done half a Buddhist kora and half a Bonpo one - thus making a full circuit with two aspects. Even sages with great wisdom never had an easy time on Kailas, he said. Only through such experience did they reach ultimate wisdom. He wished us well.
As for me: I am deeply grateful for the experience of leading a group with whom I had rather little natural empathy but which I came to respect in their individuality and own right. I learnt that leaders cannot choose who they lead and must adapt to whoever they are placed among. My main resolve was to sustain a friendly distance and a tactful response to all and to sustain morale when difficulties appeared. Although often quite anxious about weather conditions and their implications, the vehicle problems and the Nara Lagna pass I kept this from the party and pretended a greater optimism than I sometimes felt. "You came for an adventure and now you have one!" was a useful refrain. This seems to have been effective and appreciated. Client briefings in some detail were held every morning after breakfast at the same time as a sweet distribution. Sometimes the Sirdar was also present. The actual trek in Humla was a demanding and a wonderful experience in country of exceptional grandeur. Tibet showed its fierce side which I knew about but had not experienced so directly. I thank Himalayan Kingdoms for offering me this opportunity.
Waiting for Porridge
Alec Lawless
Looking back through the diary I kept on the Kailas pilgrimage I realise that there are many ways to describe the journey. The logistics, geography, geology, group dynamics, cultural, historical and anthropological sides could all make interesting and valid reading. However, the quality of subjective experience is what distinguishes a pilgrimage from other kinds of journeys. I have done several pilgrimages before but this one was quite different from the others. Firstly, the physical hardship was for me extreme and secondly one cannot decide to undertake a trip of this magnitude and be assured of success. There are too many variables which are totally outside of one's control (aren't there always I mutter to myself but somehow it was more obvious on this trip).
Due to a five-hour flight delay we missed our connecting flight so arrived in Kathmandu a day late. I was suffering from cramps and diarrhoea courtesy of Pakistani Airlines. After preliminaries the conversation turned to the possibility of getting to Simikot from where we start the trek. Due to low cloud and the location of the airstrip at 9,400 feet it was only possible to land under favourable weather conditions. We heard many stories of parties waiting for several days or having to charter a helicopter at vast expense - others had even decided to try and drive in by a totally different route. The symbolism of what we were attempting to do started working for me at this point. I started building up an image of the path starting high in the mountains and the Gods would need to be with us if we were even to get that far. If we had to wait too long then our whole itinerary would need changing. We flew to Nepalguni from where the plane to Simikot would leave. I was sitting near the front in the 16-seater plane and could see from the altimeter that we were cruising at 8,000 feet above the plains. I was amazed to think that the airstrip was higher still.
I spent a difficult night at Nepalguni. The atmosphere was humid, the bed damp and I lost count of the number of visits I made to the loo. At the airport we were told that the scheduled morning flight to Simikot was unable to land due to cloud cover. After an incredible flight on our chartered plane amongst cloud and mountain peaks we spotted the airstrip on a slope below. We landed amongst cheers and clapping and I'm sure we all felt the same elation that I did.
After meeting our team the pack animals were loaded up with our gear and we set off. We walked for about four hours to the first nights camp. Just as I was arriving my cramp got the better of me and I shit myself - not really in control at all. Luckily there was a river by the camp and I was able to clean myself up.
For the next few days we walked towards the Tibetan border. I was very pleased that we were able to walk at our own speed as this allowed space to experience the mountains and find the most comfortable pace. I loved being in the mountains. Everyday cares from my life faded and my mind became quieter than usual - I only had to walk. The smells in the mountains were wonderful. The scents of wild herbs and cannabis would mingle with the smell of pack animals, paraffin, pine and wood-smoke from villages. The days were sunny and the nights mild. Over the first few days I had established myself as the fastest walker. I was the second youngest in the group and am of lanky proportions. I had two dreams at this point, both were sporty (no not spice), and I decided that I was being too competitive about the walking. I decided to walk in company which I tried the next day but longed for space to experience the mountains fully. From then on I walked at my own speed again but tried to be mindful of my competitive trait. I also started noticing the altitude - getting short of breath, headaches and not sleeping well. We spent one night camping by a Nyingma Gompa. I enjoyed being silly with the young monks. They enjoyed my binoculars. I was struck by there taking turns with them patiently and their quickness in understanding how to focus them. This would not of struck me at all if their behaviour was not such a contrast to that of children in villages that we had passed through already on the journey. In the evening I made a small fire and sat up late watching shooting stars. I hardly slept a wink and felt dreadful in the morning. Porridge helped to bring me round and walking raised my energy. The following night we made camp on a barren plane above a river bed it was cold, windy and started to rain as the tents were going up. Very pleased to get into my bag after supper.
I woke up at about 4 a.m. and my right eye was stuck closed, as I opened it an old tear on the surface opened up again. I have had this problem (recurring corneal abrasion) several times and the cure is to keep it lubricated and both eyes closed for three days whilst it heals. This was hardly practical and the alternative is extremely painful. I wondered about going back to the Gompa a days walk away and waiting for the party to return. I put my damp and cold clothes on and packed my bag, my eye was sore and streaming. I used eye drops and put my sunglasses on to give some protection from the light. After breakfast there was a long climb during which I had my first experience of bliss I cried with joy as I became more acutely aware of the mountains and out of my tears emerged my life Koan. The soreness of my eye dominated my experience for the next few days, which involved some very difficult walking. The first view of Tibet from the top of the last pass was exhilarating and I was able to feel the silenceand the place for some moments before starting the descent. The final 3,000ft. descent to the border went on and on and I dreaded having to walk back up on the way home.
Our vehicles arrived to meet us at the border and we drove to Purang where we were delayed by Chinese officials consequently we did not have enough time to drive to lake Manasorova and camp as planned. We camped en route at 15,000 ft. At bedtime I started having trouble breathing. When I relaxed in order to sleep my breathing slowed down and I found myself so short of oxygen that I had a panic attack. I sat up and took about thirty deep breaths and lay down again - the process repeated itself. I felt like I was on the verge of fainting and was worried about becoming unconscious. I can honestly say that this was the worst night of my life. I sat up all night doing deep breathing, my eye was acute with soreness and stabbing pains and I was freezing, as my bag was not warm enough. The night appeared to go on forever as I waited for morning and porridge and the possibility of at least getting warm. I tried to let go into sleep a few times but I was too frightened. After breakfast at a cool -8 C we drove to Lake Rakshasta and saw Kailas for the first time. It was a moving and beautiful sight but I was feeling too pathetic to be very receptive. The next few days were spent visiting Tsaporang and Toling. When we returned to this part of Tibet to attempt the walk round Kailas the weather had changed from clear sunny days to snow and poor visibility. It was now very doubtful if it would be possible to do the kora. There were some very poor walkers in our party and it would not be possible for them to ride yak in the snow. We had been told that heavy snow had fallen and it was not possible to walk round the mountain. The best we could hope for was to get up to the top of the Dolma-la pass.
The pass is considered to be sacred by the Tibetans and many tokens are left there by or for people hoping for good rebirths. It is also the place were pilgrims leave tokens of value to themselves as an offering and where one is supposed to symbolically die before being re-born. I was very keen to get to the top as I had two tokens that I had brought for the purpose - Brian Beresford's hat and a portion of Lord Ennals ashes in a House of Lords envelope.
Two nomads arrived on the morning of the attempt with the agreed number of yaks to carry our equipment as we attempted the kora. After loading them up we set off in poor visibility and light snow. After only three hours walk we made camp. By this time the sky was clear, it was sunny and we had a beautiful view of Kailas. I felt frustrated that we had stopped so soon as we could have walked for longer and camped closer to the start of the climb. It turned out that the yaks needed to graze and further on there was too much snow. Some of us climbed to a nearby Gompa where many nomads had gone for the day and we joined them in their circumambulations.
The following morning some of us left to attempt the climb up to the Dolma-la. After I had walked for about 3 hours I stopped at the agreed place for lunch and waited for the others. The walk had been almost level along the valley bottom but was made difficult by the altitude (approx. 16,000 ft.). There was a cold wind and the visibility was moderate - the top of Kailas was hidden in the clouds. Just before the lunch stop I had a moving close encounter with a lamergeier. The group was very spread out by now and we were all quite tired. After lunch John decided that only one of us was strong enough to attempt the climb and asked me if I felt like having a go. We were probably about two hours walk from the top which involved a 3,000 ft. climb we then had to get back to the tents before dark. I was feeling very strong and determined to deliver my parcels so I set off with one Sherpa - Sangye. The parting from the rest of the group was very moving. I was given tokens to deliver and much hugging took place. I did not feel any envy or animosity from anyone but only heart felt good wishes, which was very inspirational. The climb started almost immediately. I became very aware of the space in the mountains and in my mind and it filled with love. I was still feeling emotional from parting with the rest of the group but I also had a second close encounter - with two chi-chi (marmots) which reminded me of my wife and daughter. We had had a family encounter with marmots in France. Inner and outer started to merge and outer events were becoming symbolic statements about my inner processes. I mused how love was difficult like the climb. We reached a steep boulder strewn slope, which was covered in items of clothing abandoned by pilgrims, pieces of which were visible above the snow. It felt like a surreal battlefield still covered in corpses. It was now snowing and we climbed into a cold wind. It was getting progressively more difficult and I needed to stop more and more frequently for breath. I did wonder more than once if I could make it. I put my head down into the wind and walked. As I was crossing a puddle the clouds parted and the reflected sun shone in my face feelings of bliss arose. My determination increased - I was very aware of being an emissary for the group and of having Brian's hat and David Ennals ashes. I wept when I thought of Brian and the tragedy of his early death. During the last part of the climb I was taking two long deep breaths for each step and moving very slowly. As we got to the top Sangye looked at me and said, "you're a very strong man". I didn't actually feel like it at that point but his kindness and Asian sincerity moved me.
At the top of the pass there was a large rock decorated by dozens of prayer flags beneath which were piles of tokens. Bottle green glacial ice was visible on a rock face across a ravine. I was aware that this ice could have been there for thousands of years. This gave an eerie feeling of remoteness, which turned somewhat quizzical when I pulled the House of Lords envelope from my bag. Curiouser it got when the clouds parted and the sun shone. We each made an arrangement of our tokens and said some prayers. I was too short of breath to sing. We stayed for about twenty minutes did one circumambulation and left.
It was easier walking down hill but there was a cold wind and the snow had covered our tracks. We had to walk fast to get back to camp before dark. It took us four hours to walk back. We only stopped three times for five minutes. As we approached the camp the last bits of colour in the sky from the sunset were barely visible. Across the river we saw some figures as we got closer to them I recognised them as others of our Sherpas. The head Sherpa Dawo took my arm and also told me that I was a very strong man. I did have a sense of achievement but it was about to increase. I then went to find John in his tent and report back. He was very pleased to see me and even gave me Greek kisses. During my absence from the group the Chinese authorities had brought down the bodies of two Germans. We never discovered exactly what happened but we know that they did not have a guide and therefore probably got lost and exhausted.
The trip was now over for me and I was eager to get back to soft warm beds, dry clean clothes and food of my choice. The journey back was quite tricky in places due to snow. Frost at night was to continue until we were well inside Nepal. I had also picked up a chill in one of my teeth due to heavy breathing of cold air this caused an infection, which spread up the side of my face and made several other teeth sensitive. I was very pleased to have four days resting in Kathmandu rather than having to fly back immediately.
It seems funny in retrospect to have had so many physical problems on the trip and the Dolma-la seems like a dream. I did discover though that the illusion of choice is what makes life difficult. If there is no choice the mind is curiously free, settled and simpler. It was similar to doing a retreat - to voluntarily put oneself through extreme difficulty and to question why one does it. Would I do it again? - Only if I felt like it.
