A koan retreat at Gaia House

I have found it difficult to put into words the profound experience of confronting myself which the Investigating Koans retreat gave me. Your early morning short but very precise talks about the practice always answered some searching questions about what to pay attention to in terms of the practice. When, after the exercises, you asked the group encircled just outside the entrance to Gaia House to 'come closer' I learned to trust that something would be said which would help me on the journey with my Koan.

On the penultimate day (I think, but not entirely sure) you said it was time to swallow the koan so it became part of who we were. You also said that we could get to the stage of getting a red hot ball stuck which could not be spat out or completely swallowed. These were very powerful images which served to deepen the practice and internalise the experience of being with the Koan and being truly present without the hindrances of all the mental constructs which are a barrier to experiencing life as it emerges. I had an opportunity to see into my mind and the Koan revealed to me how much dark baggage I carry which stops me from going 'down the mountain barefoot'; an image which offered total liberation. During my interview with you we explored this and you said something which was very powerful about the simplicity of this idea. I worked with this extensively on the retreat.

In one of your talks you encouraged us to see thoughts as a train and we can act as the station master. You advised us that we didn't have to get on the train. What a relief! During the meditation sessions this was a useful practice tool. The suggestion of 'not knowing' also helped me to open up to this possibility and let go of a survival strategy which I realised I overuse. This is a tendency to form a theory of what is happening and then try to fit observations into this. Another liberating step; not knowing! What a joy!

The concept of the deluded mind you often referred to in your talks was a very powerful one and I started to explore the extent of my own deluded mind and how rarely I experience each moment truly authentically.

My family of origin were survivors of atrocity during the Second World War so I was brought up in a family who were deeply traumatised. I learned from an early age that the world is unsafe and dangerous. Unpredictable, murdering people rather than tigers lurked in the shadows.

I also had some deep insights for the first time which really astounded me. I was very bothered by the image of the sandals wrapped in the pilgrim's robe until suddenly during one meditation in the hall something suddenly revealed itself about my relationships which I had been totally unaware of and which has been preventing me from having authentic long term relationships.

The enquiry work into our Koans in pairs was really powerful as the process of verbalising and being listened to helps to process thinking in a different way to silent awareness.

When I first saw the retreat timetable I was surprised at the resistance I experienced, particularly during the first 24 hours. A habit of resisting anything I feel is being imposed emerged. The word 'meditation boot camp' kept coming up in my mind and I found myself smiling at my old habit of how I deal with something where I didn't feel in control.

One thing that struck me was the relationship with others on the retreat. Although we were in silence most of the time there was an awareness of other retreatants and I felt a deep connection with them and their preferences. I noticed small details, which would be missed had we been talking, such as where different people liked to leave their shoes before going into the meditation hall, preferences for where they liked to be outside during the breaks and how they moved. These were comforting.

My second interview with Jake turned over a very large stone and something which I have been very unsettled about was exposed. Luckily your very wise advice on the last day about not making big decisions about relationships has been heeded and I am continuing to use the Koan and the practice to experience relationships more authentically rather than through the layers of habit and defence mechanisms. 

Deep gratitude for the gift of this retreat. I feel like the journey has just begun and I have deepened my commitment to the practice.

Thank you so much to both you and Jake for your knowledge and wisdom.