Fulfilling True Nature, Western Zen Retreat May 2003

How is life fulfilled?
To make everyone happy and to help,
that’s been how my life is viewed.
Parents, siblings, friends, co-workers,
husband and grandmother,
to whom heavy responsibilities I feel.
Regrets, guilt and discontent,
I thought I knew
how it is for life to be fulfilled.

But wait. How can fulfillment rely on others,
if, in perfection, everything lies right here?
Right now, how is life fulfilled?
Walking, eating, sitting and cleaning.
What more do I need to do
to feel I live in full?

In despair I became
unsure of who I was.
Split between childhood and adulthood,
I was in much confusion.
Then the question came,
“Can’t both the past and the present be Rebecca?”
“Isn’t it somewhere beyond the two
where I can find myself in full?”

How intriguing!
Where indeed this place?
To the new question I turn,
“What is my true nature?”
It is with me always,
no matter where I am.
I look and look in me,
that which is present right here.
I see worry and fear,
they arise but always disappear.

What is my true nature?
Awareness expands, into the hills, into the river.
Birds singing, wind blowing, sun shining, people talking,
The sense of joy arising.
Walking in the hills, “What is my true nature?”
Silence. Peace.
Step by step on the path.
Dried grass, green grass,
all being what they are.
Walking down a steep slope that I often fear,
one step after the other, sure and clear.
Sitting for afternoon tea,
I am right here, at ease.
How wonderful it is when that endless self-doubt ceases!
Here, right now, life is fulfilled.
No anxiety, no guilt.
No more wondering if I am doing it right.

Thank you, John and Simon,
for leading me to this discovery.
It gives me strength and comfort
like a good friend or sister.
Gratitude to the sheep, the birds and the wind,
and all the Dharma friends wherein.
Maenllwyd your doors and walls,
speaking the Dharma to us all.