Tantric Retreat, Maenllwyd, July 1994
Driving up to Maenllwyd, knowing that I would be asked, I tried to formulate the reason as to why I wanted to participate in the retreat. I couldn't really think of an answer and was quite relieved when not asked. With hindsight I think that I went because I was curious as to what "Adding Tantra to the Path" entailed and wanted to experience the same "high" as I had experienced on Western Zen Retreats. I had imagined that although the techniques used would be slightly different I would leave with the same understanding of "It". This was not the case.
I found the retreat quite a struggle. I was constantly tired and counted the hours until it would be time to go to bed. During the first night I felt that I had hardly slept at all. I had all sorts of thoughts constantly racing through my head. Maybe my mind was trying to make up in advance for the forthcoming sacrifice of thoughts in meditation over the next few days.
For the first two days I found myself to be very resistant to the process. This is very unlike me as on previous retreats I have thrown myself into what I was asked to do.
I also felt very negatively towards people in general. Not to people on the retreat but the whole of mankind. Thoughts such as "Why should I be compassionate?" and "May I send all sentient beings to hell" ran through my mind. Looking back I think I realised that I was not going to get my high, that the practice on the retreat really was for the benefit of others and not myself and I resented this. I have never thought why I go on the Western Zen Retreats. I think now that although the outcome of the Western Zen Retreats was a selfless experience, when this experience faded into memory the motivation for going back might have been a selfish one. Maybe I am being hard on myself, and I am not sure that this is the case, but it is how my lack of compassion to others might be analysed.
After having my initial interview I began to ponder on why I was loathing the retreat and the world so much. I think this was tied into my not knowing really why I had gone to Maenllwyd. I realised that over the last few months I had begun to wonder why I bothered to be a vegetarian when I loved meat, why I gave up smoking when I used to enjoy it, why I always stayed reasonably sober when my friends were enjoying getting merry, why I had got rid of my three televisions because I thought I could make better use of the evenings when I really do enjoy watching television. I resented one particular friend who said I was becoming very straight and I defended my lifestyle adamantly whilst knowing that I didn't know why I was doing these things, apart from a vague notion that they assisted in mindfulness. However, this was a shallow reason as I never meditated.
The retreat made clear to me that I need to think more on why I attend the retreats. I know that I shall not stop attending them, I just need to know why I am going. On the retreat I came to the conclusion that I participate in order to make the world a slightly better place by my efforts. I came away from the last WZR with the idea that I had a responsibility to keep up the practice because my karma was such that I had a small amount of insight into the way things are. These thoughts need to be developed. I am now going to go back to the koan "Who am I?" I know that the question will eventually be resolved by my dropping the question, that on a fundamental level there is no I. However I think that it is important for my practice to go through this process. I think this will also be useful with regards to the major life change of having a baby. It will give me a sounder basis on which to develop myself as a mother.
I learnt a lot from the retreat and therefore a lot about myself. It brought up areas of my life that need to be looked at and taught me that the retreat is not necessarily always easy. That the "I" that went to the last retreat is not the same "I" that attended this one. This is obvious but it still was a hard lesson to learn in practice.
To maintain a clear mind in order to be able to resolve these issues I am determined to meditate regularly. This will be aided by my empowerment to use the sadhana. I am glad that I went on the retreat. Good medicine always tastes horrible!
