Kalyana Mitta: Company on the Dharma Path

Sian: I have been very lucky to have a Dharma buddy (kalyana mitta) for quite a few years and then more recently to acquire two more buddies! The relationship with each of them is different, and they bring different aspects of my practice and life to the light, so it has been wonderful to have each of them. With my first buddy we were quite organised in how we worked together at first, each taking in turns to discuss our practice, both on and off the cushion, and then discussing what came up.

Nowadays we try to meet every month or so for a coffee/lunch/cake and dharma chat (pre-covid of course) which allows the conversation to flow easily and without pressure. Over the years our original structure has long since disappeared, but we still meet, eat cake, and talk about everything to do with life and practice.

One of my other buddies and I have started recently having a very structured Zoom meeting where we take turns in a communication exercise and then have a general discussion afterwards. The questions we choose for ourselves each time have varied but included ‘What is life?’ ‘What is practice?’ etc.

My third buddy and I have a phone call every couple of months and just chat and see where the conversation takes us.

The beauty of the discussions in each case is that they are, in my experience, much more in-depth and open-hearted than conversations with most other people (but not all) in my life. There is a level of trust and willingness to share the heart of a story as well as, or often instead of, simply the details and facts. It allows each of us to touch the parts that become sticky in everyday life and to be able to see them more clearly for ourselves. There is no expectation of either of us fixing or giving advice to the other and it is beautiful simply to share how life is, in all its painful and wonderful fullness. It helps me with my own process of ‘let in, let be, let go’ and it is beautiful to see it happen for the other person.

Over the years I have been amazed at how closely similar my difficulties match those of my buddies, despite how superficially different our lives are to each other. It is a joy and a gift to have others to walk alongside me in this path we call Chan, someone who speaks the same language and is willing to touch matters of the heart in the same way.

Dharma Friend 

It’s not that you lead the way, although sometimes you do.
It’s not that I help you up the rocky climbs though, sometimes, I do,
But walking with you in these woods I know how it is to be myself.
Gazing upwards,
sunlight shines through the leaves above,
layering the blue
shining handprints on the sky
overlapping deep greens and glowing yellows.
And the drop of water falls
with clarity, majesty and grace
to land, softly, on my face

Guy: When I began to collect my thoughts for this article and I started to think about the Dharma buddy opportunity, I soon realised that some relationships have naturally evolved and some have been initiated, but all have helped shape, enrich and widen my path.

I can’t quite remember when I first heard about the Dharma buddy system but I suspect I was participating in it before I was aware of it. I have a memory of it being mentioned at the end of a Maenllwyd retreat. On the way home from that retreat, while enjoying a deep conversation with my lift-share driver about our experiences that week, I took the plunge and tentatively asked if they would like to be my Dharma buddy. Since then we have had calls every few months and they have evolved from a structured, 5 minutes back and forth sharing session, like a communication exercise on a Western Zen retreat, to an informal chat.

Before this happened, though, I was already frequently discussing the Dharma via WhatsApp with a roommate from my first retreat. We shared a room for a long weekend in silence, each respecting the retreat rules and the other person’s space. Once the retreat had finished, we chatted in our room and discussed why we were on a Buddhist retreat and our jobs and lives and practice. The connection seemed evident so we swapped numbers and have been in touch ever since. The WhatsApp debates have led to visits to each other’s homes, walks in the countryside and, more recently, Zoom calls. There is always practice discussion alongside the personal catchup as our lives become further entwined. We have swapped information about many authors, book titles and ideas.

My journey into Buddhism and myself has gained a sharper focus photo: within the last five years. On my first retreat, and new to Buddhism and practice, but being intrigued, I wanted to learn and understand and it seemed natural to ask others: people with more experience who could guide and point me on my way. Being a little shy and fearing rejection, I sometimes had nerves around asking advice but my curiosity was so strong and I kept thinking to myself, ‘These people are Buddhists, what could hurt in asking?’ I am very glad I did.

More recently, my fears lessened, I have enjoyed further Dharma buddy relationships with practitioners who I had listened to and wanted to listen to more: a selfish, simple desire to add to my own understanding but also potentially to offer back whatever I could, even if I just provided a sounding board, or a mirror.

I can’t thank my Dharma Buddies enough for how they have helped me. The sparks they have made, the lightbulb moments, the steering. A hand held on the journey inwards. Allowing the space for an open heart. Each relationship is treasured for its uniqueness but also not clung onto to allow space for fluidity and time for reflection.

Continuing from a confidential retreat scenario, with boundaries set and trust built, the conversations allow for a vulnerability to arise and open, to face what often is ignored or turned away from. These are openings that I do not find in chats with friends and family. I talk and open up with my buddy in a way I don’t with friends where time has worn deep groves of habit. I can’t talk to my mates in the pub about emptiness and the interconnectedness of all things, but I need to discuss this. My curiosity urges me to find like-minded people and chat about this teaching laid before us. A shared path with a Dharma framework gives opportunity to quicken the pace and guide each other.

Our shared path is a process of self-discovery, investigating habits and reactions, questioning some automatic responses, looking where sometimes it's difficult. The support of a Dharma buddy can help and point to this.