Nonviolent Communication and Meditation

Right speech, part of the Noble Eightfold Path, is defined as speaking without lying, verbal aggression, intriguing, slandering or idle chatter. In recent times, a Swedish psychologist Marshall Rosenberg has developed a way of speaking more effectively and honestly, called nonviolent communication (NVC). It not only promotes ways of practising right speech, but also supports meditation practice. 

NVC makes a distinction between the speech of the heart and speech which is alienating from life. Our observations, feelings, needs and requests that we would like to direct towards others are the speech of the heart (OFNR). In contrast, the speech alienating from life is formed out of generalisations, interpretations, judgements and demands; it involves criticism, intimidation, manipulation and commands. It may be partially useful, as generalisations and explanations are, but often serves verbal violence, both direct (as in shouting or making threats) and concealed (scoffing, blaming, manipulating…). It is often used in situations where the language of the heart would bring better mutual understanding.

The students of NVC learn to communicate by speaking only about their observations, feelings and needs, and by making requests. This language is neither easy nor quick to learn. In the process of education and socialisation we have been encouraged to use the alienating language of judgements and restrictions, and we have also been filled with nervous anxiety about our performance. As a result, the sentences intended as speech of the heart are initially often not recognised as such. The NVC student experiences difficulties in distinguishing observations from interpretations and judgements, feelings from beliefs, and needs from operating strategies and whims. What s/he believes to be a request is often a concealed demand or intimidation, since a request made with a more or less evident suggestion that there will be disapproval if it is denied is not truly a request. 

A gradual introduction to the speech of the heart opens the NVC student to her/his actual emotions and to a profound contact with her/himself and with others. Her/his observations, feelings and needs do not have to be restricted to her/his own life. They may include all that happens to others, care and worry about them, joy in their company, being happy for them, or the need to help them. 

We usually believe that the cause of our feelings lies in our environment, in what we experience at the present moment. NVC distinguishes the ‘impulse’ from the ‘cause’ of a feeling. Only the impulse is found in the present experience. NVC recognises that our negative feelings are caused by our needs that have not been satisfied, and our positive feelings are caused by needs that have been fulfilled. This perspective encourages us to seek alternative strategies for meeting our needs, if we are unable to implement the strategy we believed to be the only one possible. Typically, we are quite aware of what we want and how we would like others to behave, but we find it difficult to name the basic needs we seek to meet what we want. Most conflicts are caused by clashing strategies, in cases where each side insists on following their own. In NVC it is crucial to be able to name the needs that the strategies are developed for. It may not be easy, but such clarity enables us to choose alternative strategies that will enable both sides to satisfy their needs. The negotiations may only be undertaken after having defined needs, otherwise they are conducted blindly, without understanding the basic problem. 

The speech of the heart doesn’t really give opportunities for argument - or even for difference in opinions. It is difficult to say “That’s not true!” to someone who is merely voicing their observations, feelings, needs or requests. Yet, it may happen that the people using the speech of the heart will find themselves among people who use the alienating language. They may then be subjected to scathing criticism, disregard, ridicule or intimidation. In such a case the ability to listen from the NVC point of view will become even more useful. Listening is more difficult than speaking. The adepts of NVC, upon hearing the alienating language of others, can understand the direct meaning of their words, but they can also hear the deeper message: what is alive in those people, though repressed and ineptly expressed. They are able to listen to them as if they actually spoke non-violent language: in judgements and opinions about others, the adepts of NVC can hear expressions of feeling. In demands and intimidation, they can hear requests; in stubbornness and contempt, unfulfilled needs – and so on. They not only listen to them in such a way, but also respond to their statements as if they were nonviolent communication. The sleeping part of the others is then inclined to come alive and in time people using the alienating language may gradually become predisposed to speak in a way closer to NVC. It is more probable in a sustained relationship, but possible in shorter contacts too. A well-established NVC is contagious! 

Still, such a way of listening to others is not easy. Very often we do not have enough time and patience to take good care of our partners, because we first have to recover from their wounding statements. Before we are able to consider their needs, we usually go through the following typical reactions recognized in NVC training:

Initially we react to them (aloud or in our thoughts) in a way similar to how we have been addressed. We are angry, make allegations, use rough invectives, possibly wish them not too well at all! We judge them bitterly. When the emotions drop a bit, we still remain in the realm of judgements, but our opinions become more balanced. We begin to realise our partial contribution to the conflict and tend to turn the blade of criticism on ourselves. ‘If I had thought…’, ‘How could I have forgotten…’ – and so on. We may feel guilt, shame, and become angry at ourselves. When these emotions quieten down they make way for the speech of the heart, although initially also directed at ourselves. We become aware of our own negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. We may feel wounded and yearn for peace and quiet. As long as we are unable to take care of ourselves and our own comfort we won’t be able to make a step forward and take care of the feelings and needs of others. Only later on can we respond to their message as if it was NVC. In the course of training, the students of NVC learn to go through the process more quickly and in time they can listen to unfriendly communication and almost immediately respond to the unspoken need as if it were expressed in NVC. This reaction depends on the emotional charge in the situation, whether it’s new or recurring and on the relation between the people involved. 

Empathy and the ability to listen to our partners with utmost attention are very important in NVC. Because of our empathy, our partners will know that we listen to them and pay attention to their feelings and needs. It’s not the same as giving them good advice, telling, persuading, looking for solutions or analysing the cause of their problems, distracting them from difficult matters, drowning the problem in words or changing the subject, suppressing the emotional message, showing examples of even more difficult problems… Empathy means giving attention and space for others to voice the matters that are currently important and alive in them. While listening, we open up to the message and let it resonate in us. We may let others know that we are in fact paying attention to them by means of body language or through repeating the message in our own words, but we don’t add anything. We become mirrors for the highly emotional messages of our partners. 

Empathy is very useful in all difficult situations in which the people involved seem to have different goals. With sharing their feelings earnestly and listening empathically to each other, people become engaged in mutual well-being. For though it may not be possible to contradict an NVC statement, it is still possible to deny a request. When people have compassion for one another, their needs include more than their own personal desires and they tend to lean towards a sense of community. It becomes much easier then to find a strategy that will satisfy everyone. Requests are being refused much less frequently. When they are, it is not taken personally, but rather understood as a response to the needs of others. 

Aside from speaking and listening, the NVC training involves working with one’s inner voice, which reacts to situations habitually and usually differs from NVC. We may learn to listen to our own thoughts as we listen to the voices of others, with attention to their feelings and needs within their messages of domination. We learn to uncover our own feelings and unfulfilled needs in our critical attitude towards others and our opinions about how they should behave. Such discovery usually defuses our tendencies towards destructive emotions and inspires us to put more effort into a constructive search for ways to help. Working with one’s own thoughts and reactions is also effective for recognising the unfulfilled needs of others that their destructive or hurtful actions emerge from. 

There are many similarities between NVC and meditation. At a certain stage they progress hand in hand, complementing and facilitating each other. The task of meditation is performed in silence and solitude, while NVC deals mostly in relation to other people. They join forces in the following ways: 

1. Nonviolent communication promotes direct contact with life, focused on observations, feelings and needs, making requests and complying with the requests of others. It abstains from idle theorising, generalising, diagnosing and judging. It refrains from debating the accuracy of convictions and arguments in dispute. 

Similarly, meditation encourages us to focus on experiencing what is actually happening, on perceiving and acting accordingly. It does not sustain redundant deliberating that is distant from the present moment, or complicated, detached views of the world. Both practices value the specific over the abstract. Both open us to perceiving what is alive within us. 

2. Buddhism teaches that attachments result in suffering. Marshall Rosenberg has also related to this Buddhist teaching. He perceived that attachments are our favourite, well-established strategies we are reluctant to abandon. It is difficult to feel relaxed and to operate in harmony with others when we are immobilised in the grasp of our attachments – or strategies motivated by our attachments. NVC encourages us to uncover the needs that our favourite types of action are based on, and to form alternative strategies suitable to the situation. It does not negate our needs, but then again it points out the destructiveness of persistently demanding that they be met in one way, that could prove harmful to someone, and not any other. It teaches us to be more flexible and open to different solutions. Similarly, the Buddhist Middle Path is balanced between self-indulgence and self-mortification. The insight developed in meditation may reveal to us how we haven’t been fully aware of the unfortunate strategies we have fashioned to fulfil some of our needs. For instance, the inclination to control people or to accumulate excessive wealth may be an unconscious expression of a concealed striving to feel unity with the world. Finally, it is recommended in the Buddhist tradition to entrust worries or troubles to the good forces in the universe, with an accepting attitude towards any solution that might present itself – possibly one we have never even considered yet. 

3. Empathy developed in NVC is very similar to Buddhist compassion. In NVC we learn to hear the not explicitly articulated feelings and needs of others, and to understand motivations for their actions. This view serves well to see others as people like us, who have similar needs, even if sometimes they fulfil them in a destructive or inept way. Buddhism teaches us to be open to various situations and meet them with a mind empty of expectations, so whatever happens to others resonates within us. We realise the conditions they are under and instead of judging them we focus on awakening compassion and understanding. Both NVC and Buddhist practice make us respond with our actions to whatever is happening to others. Fulfilling their needs becomes a need of our own. We gain the awareness that by helping others we actually help ourselves and hurting others is really hurting ourself. 

4. In meditation we discover the arising of unwanted, disturbing thoughts. It is useless to try and forcefully repress them. We can only become fully aware of them and perceive them as merely thoughts, a process of some kind, and not get involved in their narrative or identify with them. This way their seductive power weakens. Likewise, during the NVC practice we discover in our minds thoughts distant from nonviolent communication: judgemental, critical, and demanding. It is not constructive to follow their thread, or to condemn ourselves for having them. Accepting them and listening to their voice in an unprejudiced, distanced manner may prove fruitful. Sooner or later we will discover what needs and feelings bring those thoughts to us and we will be able to look at ourselves and our relations with other people differently. Meditation and NVC support each other in their ways of treating those of our mental habits that we find appalling and destructive. 

In both fields we react exactly at the point we are in. We haven’t really been granted any other option. We do not ignore unwanted reactions, we do not suppress them, we do not imagine that we have achieved a level we are still actually very far away from. We do not evade making contact with ourselves and do not feel obliged to fit into any pattern. We are present in the real situation, not an ideal one. Only in this way can we patiently dig through whatever the situation brings us. 

5. Neither meditation nor NVC can be used as a means to achieve some already made-up goals. Sometimes beginners attempt this approach, expecting that NVC will allow them to play out relationships with others as they please; and beginners to meditation imagine zazen will present them with a new, better version of themselves. But it doesn’t work that way. The practitioners maintaining this approach are likely to become disappointed and frustrated. Both kinds of training – if carried out honestly – lead to a profound inner transformation. This change cannot be planned, controlled or rushed. There is no point in forcing achievements. 

There is however a point in allowing for and developing our own inner motivation. In both cases this motivation is fuelled by curiosity. In NVC we are interested in other people, their experience, views of the world, intentions and aims. We readily take part in what is important to them and share with them what is important to us. Eventually we feel the need to cooperate and become ready for fulfilling our needs mutually. In meditation we are curious as to how the mind works and what life is about. Why do we experience the persistent and unpleasant turmoil of emotions and thoughts in our minds? Obviously we do not want it! Who has put it there and how? Why is it that it has this power over us? What stands between us and happiness and fulfilment in our lives? Is it possible to avoid vexation? 

In both fields motivation is fuelled by personal doubts and curiosity. An inquisitive mind is open to what’s going to happen and doesn’t decide in advance what should happen. Lively motivation makes authentic commitment possible, and in consequence we gain better insight into our human condition and gain an ability to act in a more healthy way. The motivation emerging from cool calculation or mechanical imitation remains superficial and dry, and it is unable to stimulate our energy. Many people experience this kind of motivation becoming more alive in time. If it doesn’t, it may only assist us to incorporate certain techniques, but it will not awaken our potential. Moreover, the techniques will not prove as efficient as we would like them to be. 

6. Both meditation and NVC shape the practitioner's responsibility for their feelings and attitudes – each in their own way. Buddhism teaches that our present state of mind has been shaped by our past actions. We have no choice but to accept this inheritance The way we proceed with it will shape our future states of mind. In this sense we have to take responsibility for them. NVC also rules out shifting the responsibility for our emotions to the people that surround us. It points out that dispositions to our emotional reactions are within ourselves. What’s happening on the outside, including the actions of others, is only an emotional trigger. In the Buddhist terminology we would say that such events activate our karmic roots. 

As we can see, many similarities can be found between the two practices, or rather the two attitudes towards life. In the foundation of both lies a similar spirit. If an NVC student turns to meditation, his/her NVC practice will become clearer and more open. It will proceed with more awareness and ease. If a meditation practitioner reaches out towards NVC, s/he will receive a great tool linking meditation with communal life. NVC is a meditation in action, or rather in contact with others, and it forms a link between silent sitting on the mat and everyday life amidst the intertwined activities of people.