Shattering the Great Doubt, Crosby Hall, August 2017

…Day two. Koan day. I eventually plumped for one that, rather arrogantly, I believed I could answer. Hah! Silliness. We sat, the Koan playing in my mind as I searched for an answer. After a few sessions, Simon brought in a communication exercise whereby each retreatant sits with another and takes it in turns to answer a question on their Koan. I was coupled with the most open and honest individual I have met for an age and he really opened up about what the Koan was ‘dredging up’ for him, I was astounded! What is he doing? Why isn’t he even discussing an ANSWER?

I did, I went through a number of answers with him, but his honesty was infectious and I ended up digging into myself more than I thought; I found myself admitting that the answers I had, though good, were largely pseudo-Buddhist bullshit from ‘How to answer a Koan 101’. What if I went to Simon with my answer and he was like, ‘Yes! You are a Buddhist Master in disguise!’ – truly, that’s the level of my thoughts at that point. I continued to sit, went to bed fairly happy with my day’s work and awaited my first meeting with Simon, where I would test myself – and him, to a degree.

Day three. One-to-one day. Same routine. My meeting was early, by now I knew my Koan pretty much by heart and had cemented the answer in my head, “Thusness” was my response (I won’t tell you the entire Koan). It rang hollow to me, but there we go. Simon got my answer and gave a slight exclamation, at which my heart jumped, before he asked, “So what are you?”

Boom.
No answer.
Nothing.
Failed.

Simon sent me back to the Chan Hall and asked me not to look for an answer, don’t try to impress – it’s pointless, just sit and let the Koan do its job. Well, I was pretty down. It felt as though my Koan had had its head severed and was flailing around without direction. But then it all changed. It was like looking at an optical illusion; I shouldn’t investigate the Koan, let it investigate ME, let what arises arise. This was a turning point for me. I found so much in me that was just me, habits and conditions that I thought were me, were not. They were decisions, choices that I make automatically – like my constant decision to try and impress others – it wasn’t concrete, I didn’t HAVE to do it! This then led to a number of other, often deeply upsetting, insights into my ‘self ’ and my conditioned habits. Wow. I now understood to a degree, I wasn’t here for enlightenment (let’s be honest, who doesn’t come to a retreat without some hope of a taste of enlightenment? You don’t buy prosecco without wanting to be a little tipsy) I was here to witness, to see myself and how my habits affect others around me – often to terrible levels. The day finished with another communication exercise, and again my partner allowed me to be completely honest about things I haven’t really ever opened up about. Bed time.

Day Something or Other (they have all merged now). This time it was Fiona’s turn to investigate my practice and I just sat there and opened up, tears and everything. I felt so good! I couldn’t believe what I’d dealt with, or started to deal with, it was incredible. Fiona gave me more pointers and things to practice on and showed me what would probably happen now. I sat. I chanted. I even stayed up late to sit through the night as long as I could – I really felt on the verge of something.

Day whatever. Another insight into myself today – sparked by another retreatant trying not to giggle. This started me off giggling and the combination of giggling, sitting and my Koan together wracked my body with absolute joy. It took me a while to realise what it was. I hadn’t felt joy for decades. This led me onto another deep, Koan led investigation; this time it was happy and hopeful, it was wonderful! I really felt like I was ‘cleaning house’ as it were. Again a meeting with Fiona, who cut away the dross and polished my insight so I knew what was valuable and what was old habitual bullshit. I was determined to stay up again! I could taste enlightenment! I would chase it down and, and, and…. Oh. Mistake. I had gotten carried away and now, after chasing what wasn’t there, I’d merely wasted my time on a phantasm. And got a cold to boot.

The last day petered out, my energy levels low. I couldn’t do much serious practice and, if I’m honest, my mind started to wander back to home.

As seems routine, Simon and Fiona asked us what we had each got out of the retreat. Personally, it felt, and still feels, like the most valuable experience of my life. I seriously dealt with parts of myself that were deeply ingrained that made choices for me, without my knowledge; that caused me fear and trepidation and blunted my relationships with those I love. It healed those parts of me and, though I still have these conditioned habits, I now also have a choice as to whether I follow them or not. But the greatest thing I got from this retreat? My Joy. I got my joy back, and I didn’t even know it was missing, I mean, where could it possibly have gone..?