Mahamudra Retreat February 1999, my Retreat Report
My practice at home had been going well. I had read 'The Yogins of Ladakh' shortly after it was published and had enjoyed it very much. I particularly found Tipun's Notebook revealing. Often I have found the words we use not useful for me in working out where I am in terms of practice (a karmic problem). But somehow the Notebook approached the matter in a way that was helpful and I glimpsed some inkling of how I was doing. A Dharma confidence arose and I booked for the retreat as soon as it was advertised.
On the first day there seemed a lot of talks and I wondered how much sitting we were going to do. I had a strong feeling that I just wanted to sit. I had always been a bit bothered about visualisation, but the instructions were very clear and, by slowly resting on some elements of my usual method, I found that visualisation was possible for me. I enjoyed the practice and after a few sittings I felt that regular application of this would be beneficial in the growth and development of compassion. I suppose I was a little surprised by this feeling but there it was. My sitting was going well and it felt very light and spacious, undoubtedly a place to abide ...
Then another talk and John says
"Of course the core of Mahamudra practice is ..."
"Oh no," I think, "not another hurdle to jump over."
It has often seemed to me that, as soon as I master something, that there is something else just out of grasp. An end point seems to beckon but it always seems elusive and we have something else to struggle with that I don't really understand.
"... the state of 'not-meditating'."
Well - here we are at a meditation centre being taught how not to meditate. Well of course it makes sense doesn't it?!!!?
So I try - and the usual battle of what I call the 'up and down' of my mind begins-
UP: Try harder, keep going.
DOWN: Don't put too much pressure on your self.
UP: Why not, you have to try. Was that it fleetingly?
DOWN: Don't be silly. Perhaps you're not meant to do it.
UP: Don't talk like that. Effort is what is required.
DOWN: Okay then but relax in to it.
UP: Relax what do you think I'm doing, stupid.
DOWN: Yes but can't you feel the tension in your ....
OH JUST STOP IT. GIVE IT UP.
Wait a minute. Where am I? Room. Sitting. Airy lightness. Not trying. Just sitting. Just damn well sitting.
It's very familiar, just as it is. Somehow I know it. But what I is that? It comes from itself? It is where it is and I knew it all before.
Check this out with John.
"John - you know this not-meditating thing, does it contain all three states, meditating, not-meditating and definitely not meditating?"
"Yes that's right. A place that has a timeless quality"
"Of course and it's all so familiar."
"Right - because things are as they are and you are just aware. Just aware - not meditating"
"All the ways are just one, no difference between them?"
"Yes, just being."
"Well, there we are then"
"It's the beginning. The origin. No middle or end. It is what always is. Nothing added or taken away. The ordinary eternity. And it is always there to be known. And always was." (Laughs)
Give me back my money. I paid for enlightenment and all I got was the retreat.2
Nothing special.3
I now have a strong desire to go back somehow through all the experiences I have had on and off my cushion and laugh at it all. It was there all the time. It is so easy to be there. I knew it and it can be known. Life is as it is and only the little mind makes it otherwise. It is joyous to be human and there is no alternative. It is there in us all and is present in the moment. I feel a tremendous gratitude to the Path and the Teachers on it. Thank you.
Homage to the Buddhas in all the worlds
Homage to the Boddisattvas in all the worlds.
Homage to the Scripture of Great Wisdom.
Notes
- "Well There We are Then" is the Anglicisation of the Welsh idiomatic phrase 'Dyna ni'te'. The phrase could also be translated as 'That's that'; 'We can't add to that'; 'There is nothing further to say'.
- An allusion to Dogen's "Give me back the money I paid for the ninety days of meals", made in his discussion on the retreat (Chap 79, Ango, Shobogenzo). The ninety days being the time a summer retreat lasted and a reference to the retreat just being the retreat.
- I adopted the phrase 'Nothing Special' as a personal motto sometime ago. It is a chapter title in Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. The chapter begins "I do not like speaking after zazen."
