Retreat Reports: Koan (Gongan) Retreat

Planting a great oak at Shawbottom
and returning each year to say, “I did that”,
that would be something.
The sapling trees were ready in pots,
the spade resting against the shed.

I could only claim a short-lived success
weeding between the paving slabs.
About his many enlightenment experiences
Sawaki Roshi once said,
“they didn’t amount to a whole hill of beans”.

In my secret koan, ‘Tokusan’s Bowls’,
eg…

…Day two. Koan day. I eventually plumped for one that, rather arrogantly, I believed I could answer. Hah! Silliness. We sat, the Koan playing in my mind as I searched for an answer. After a few sessions, Simon brought in a communication exercise whereby each retreatant sits with another and takes it in turns to answer a question on their Koan. I was coupled with the most open and honest individual…

Koan retreats with the Western Chan Fellowship have become a staple part of my dharma practice over the past few years since I have found a connection with this specific method. Coming to Wales for such retreats has become routine for me, and I had no expectations on booking it or on arrival.

One day into the retreat it became clear that my practice was very different to previous retreats. On…

As I write this, two days after my return, I am fine tuned. My heart is brilliant, clear and unobstructed. Someone throws a ball for a dog, which charges across the park, a furry blur of mad energy with scampering legs, and I laugh out loud. The sky has a glow which takes your breath away. I respond to these things with delight and amusement. I hear about the school massacre and weep without…

Two experiences come to mind from the retreat:

One morning as I walked outside the Chan hall, I observed 15 to 20 birds darting in and out of trees in unison as they flew up the hill. I felt a sudden jolt, like someone had thrust a knife into my heart. "Huh!" I gasped. But, it was not pain that I felt, it was pure, intense joy. I'm not exactly sure what happened but, in a way, I became those…

A monk said to the Master "The Buddhas of past present and future don't understand. Cats and oxen do. Why don't the Buddhas understand?" Master Nanquan replied, "Before they entered the Deer Park they knew it. "The monk said, "How is it that cats and oxen do know it?" "How could you doubt that they do?" responded Nanquan.

When I read the list of koans in this Koan retreat, I was intrigued by this…

I approached the retreat with some trepidation owing to my being workmaster, my first time on a retreat of any size. Previously I had carried out this role, but only on smaller retreats and very much as an assistant. This time I had to get things organised and, most worrying of all, get up in the morning and get things started! Not only that, but make sure I didn't miss giving any signals and let…

Physically, I did not find the retreat too difficult. Having regularly practised the one hour meditation sessions traditional in vipassana, sitting for half an hour at a time is not much of a problem for me. And the exercises offered during the breaks between sessions were enough to get the stiffness out of my limbs. Alternating between sitting cross legged and kneeling also helped me avoid any…

I was fortunate to be able to collect Shifu, Guo Yen Hse and Paul Kennedy from the airport. We broke our journey to Wales in Bristol in order to see my family for lunch. As we were leaving and my wife was wishing us well for the retreat, Shifu said, in reference to the retreat, "It's a trick!"

"Yes," my wife replied, "But it's a very good one, and a very necessary one," looking pointedly in my…

Several times during my retreat at Maenllwyd I was reminded of the many weeks I have spent alone walking in the High Pyrenees. The aching legs, back neck and shoulders; the relentlessness of the load on my back; the near exhaustion and mental stupor; the gratitude for occasional breaks with their slow recovery of the determination to go on no matter what. The recurrent question in my mind "Why on…

Dokusan:

"I'm frightened!"
"How big do you feel?"
"Oh - small"
"How old are you?"
"Seven".
"Be kind to the little boy inside you. Go and look into his fear."

Back on my cushion, the little boy in me and I talked together.

"Why are you hiding?"
"I'm scared."
"Why?"
"Dad's going to beat me."

And as we talked it through, and I cried with fear, my heart went out to the little boy in my memory. I comforted…