Experience

A Silent Illumination retreat report

Similar to my last retreats I shifted pretty fast into the retreat modus, where thoughts are kept in the background and the focus stays for the most part in the present moment. Generally a very pleasant state.

During the interview Simon said that there is something I keep inside myself – something I do not really look at. We were then discussing that I have mentioned this in previous retreats, but despite my best efforts I could not really get a handle on it. Given my history, there were likely candidates (which I could intellectualize), but even so, they must have stayed somehow separated from the stored experience, not really connecting to the emotional experience. By telling Simon some key experiences and some more investigations by myself later, I was able to see how I believe(d) that I am truly alone in this world. If I do not help myself – no one can (and will). I reached this conclusion a long time ago, and many decisions in my life were impacted by that view. Also, Simon said that many decisions I made in my life were to avoid any situation where I would relive some of these experiences (i.e. losing a loved one, being sad etc). Simon also said that the reason I felt alone was not because this is how the world necessarily is (or how people feel about me), but because I kept the people from coming close.

Later I had this vision where I could see myself in the train going to work and how I had this force field around me. This was very interesting to see. At the same time this and other insights connected to Simon's intuition brought a real lightness and joy. There was definitely some weight that was being lifted. I don't think it is entirely resolved yet, but at least I am more aware.