Twenty-four of us talked about ourselves, why we had come and our hopes for the coming week. 'Coming home' was a theme for many. My struggles on three previous Shifu-led retreats made it feel more like school camp. My hopes were to learn more about off-cushion practice and the second stage of Silent Illumination, to avoid my usual frustration and despair ... and to lose some weight.
My first sit that evening was good - calm and focused. "This is better! A week like this would be great!"
5am Day 1. Bad headache; bad start. Take two aspirin and settle down. The familiar struggle commences; trying not to try. Moments of calm, but a choppy sea.
Day 2. Still the headache. (It dawned on me that this was coffee-withdrawal. After the week was over I discovered that others had been similarly afflicted. Next time I'll wean myself the week before.)
I am Timekeeper. Oh Heaven; I'll be able to move around and whack people! Interview with John: "A few glimpses." "Good. The treasure house awaits." Advice about moving from total body awareness (TBA) to letting in the world around. "This is when things start to get interesting. 'Flying like an eagle'." Evening sits much calmer and more one-pointed; the table in front of me turned to shining gold.
Days 3/4. Increasing difficulty with TBA. Bloody hell! Being merely tantalised, frustration once again, despair round the corner. Out in the yard, walking ... sudden chuckle of realisation ... frustration is crazy - so it went.
Direct contemplation in the field. Not easy. No apparent 'effects'. Listening seems easier than looking; but the usual 'naming'. However, later on in the day there's so much to hear that there's no time for labels. Is this impermanence? Floating with the stream.
Interview with Simon: "Good. You're having a few tastes. Just carry on."
Day 5. Dawn. Words: "Easy mind; no wanting." Continuing difficulty with sits, scatteredness and TBA clarity. Yet there was one clear sit on the grass above John's new Dharma tent. Further interview with Simon: "Oh, to be able to stop wanting!" "Wanting requires the self - no self, no wanting... no wanting, no self." Relaxing outside later the penny drops - big chuckle. Here am I still farting around after 12 years, and this is the first time I've really realised this simple truth!
Day 6. "We're going to try an experiment - a different type of interview, more formal. Simon and I will be sitting meditating on our cushion when you come in. You will sit on your cushion facing whichever one of us you are seeing. You then have five minutes to use as you please; say as much or as little as you like. We then may ask you a few questions and/or comment before you return to the Chan hall. I don't want you to worry about what you are going to say before your time arrives."
So... the next two sits are taken up, of course, with trying to, and trying not to, work out what to say. Something to do with the 'tangle' of self and wanting.
In to see Simon. Eyes averted; rambling start. I am usually reasonably articulate but not now. I look up into Simon's eyes.
"I ..."
"What happened?"
"My mind stopped"
I started to sob.
"Are you feeling upset?"
"No; I'm weeping."
I returned to sit feeling amazed, dazed and confused, continuing to cry. "What's happened?" Everything, the world, seemed perfectly ordinary; no 'shining'. "What does it mean? What should I do? This must be some sort of 'important' experience. John will want to see me." The next sit was the most scattered of the week. "It can't have been anything very special if it's produced such self-concern!" A calmness then gradually settled on me. I began to feel more matter-of-fact. However, at the evening 'feedback session' I felt totally unable to articulate what I'd experienced - and as a result felt very inadequate and shy.
Day 7. I woke with an immediately still mind. I continued to be puzzled, however. Simon agreed to give me an interview while everyone was clearing up to go.
"Were you aware of things around you?"
"Yes; everything was as normal. It was as if someone had flicked a switch - all thought stopped. I can't describe it properly. I was stupefied. I really didn't believe this sort of thing could happen to me."
"So there was silence and illumination - Silent Illumination", Simon remarked with his gentle kindly smile.
"Life's so much more fun when one's not bothered by thoughts all the time."
Away home in the car I soon found an amazing new freedom. I could watch the world whizzing by without a thought (except this thought!). It was rather like an indefinitely extended period of calmed mind. As I continued to drive, although the world appeared totally 'normal', I felt 'spacey', a flavour of 'no head'; a sensation of somehow driving the car but not doing the driving. I realised that this was the first time I have ever experienced my thinking mind as a 'tool' - to be used only when I need it - rather than as a source of ceaseless chatter and self-reference. As Simon said, it's so much more fun!
Since returning home - it's now two days ago - I've retained this calm, 'free' mind. My thoughts, decisions and actions feel so much more straightforward. Not all calm, however ... within hours of arriving I was having to discipline my grandson, but in a much more focused and effective way than usual. My calm returned almost immediately.
I realise that something extraordinary happened to me on this retreat; something I never believed could happen. I feel changed - for the better. But ... I can also detect more than a flavour of 'Dharma pride'. There's an inflated ego lurking ... I have a new appreciation of the 'Warning to the Assembly'
This day is past;
Our lives too are closing.
Like fish with little water
Joy will not last.
Let us work with pure effort,
Work as we would were our heads aflame.
Be mindful of impermanence;
Be careful of idleness.
