So what?

…The next morning I sat with Dan in his ‘office’. The office was a little log cabin, perched on the side of the mountain, with a wide open door and incense wafting out. His eyes were amused and his feet looked cold as he questioned me.

‘So what?’ he told me. ‘So what if you have the answer? So what if you don’t. So what if you feel your emotions. So what?? Acknowledge it, accept it, and let it go.’

After that I got it.

I am a naturally questioning, self-doubting kind of person. I’m also sensitive and a little over emotional. I tried to hide these traits in the past but my new way of thinking told me ‘So what?’ I’m likely to remain a results driven person because that’s how my brain is wired. If I am mindfully aware that I can’t plan everything perfectly then that is ok too. Change is life and life is change. There is only one true reality and that is the present.

I also know that the last two lines are clichés, but so what? Those clichés are liberating.

On the last night we had another dancing meditation session. Typically this would fill me with dread. This night I didn’t care so much, I couldn’t stop grinning. I still wasn’t the best dancer but so what. It was so much fun. Dan’s presence filled me with joy.

The morning of the final day arrived. I realised I would miss working in the kitchen. I would miss sitting down for cups of tea with my new friends in silence. I wished everyone well.

At 2.45pm my taxi driver arrived. Cautiously, he parked at the bottom of the winding drive in his new trainers that he didn’t want to get dirty. As I gathered my belongings and trekked down the hill I felt an overwhelming gratitude for the last five days.

Since re-entering reality I’m mindfully trying to: live in the present, make eye contact, stop harmful thoughts, acknowledge my emotions (before letting them go) and to encourage the joy in others. This feels a pretty good way to live.

Thanks to Jake and the Western Chan Fellowship for helping me find this path.