The retreat was a scientific experiment and the constants were meditation, eating, working, sleeping, waking, meditating. The repetition of the same actions over time showed the illusions of the mind and how untrustworthy the mind is. After the turmoil came a calm and then an essence appeared.
Who Am I?
I can't describe who "I" am any longer. All labels have dropped as they are all illusions. Formally, I was an Asian American creative-type and female. Seeing for the first time who "I" was made me crack up. The labels that I once accepted meant nothing. In fact, "I" have always belonged to affinity groups whether they were Asian or female support groups and on a very deep level, they are all based on falsehoods. They provide support but it is based on an 'us' against 'them' mentality, which is illusionary.
What Am I?
For the first time, in a quiet and relaxed atmosphere, I was able to address the internal self. During the first communication exercise, I was crying over some painful point in my life. The next moment I felt fine. The moment after that there would be more upsetting things and then so on. This happened continuously until the constantly recurring stories fell away. First it came as a fear. And then there was nothing.
What Is Love?
My heart sank slightly when I learned I would be cleaning the bathrooms. I had read about work practice and but I still couldn't help feeling a slight twinge of heavy heartedness. There are nine sinks and about 6 or 7 toilets and showers. Who could know that a few days later, while mopping the expansive floor, compassion began flowing. The people who appeared to be strangers in the beginning were no longer different from myself. Wiping the sinks until they
shined brightly, I was making sure there was not a drop or smudge left on them because suddenly all of the people on the retreat had become dear to me. It wasn't a clinging affection, but the purest compassion for people so vulnerable and fragile yet having all the answers within themselves.
How Is Life Fulfilled?
Before the retreat I had spent most of my time worrying and being stressed out. I had everything I could ever want: a wonderful soul mate, a terrific family, good health, a good job, yet I was still not fulfilled because I felt something was missing. The retreat illustrated what true fulfillment was. It was opening a door and taking care that it didn't slam shut. It was standing in line and allowing the person in front of me to have space so they did not feel
rushed. It was pushing a chair in. It was walking slowly on the sidewalk from the dorms after the rain and making sure not to step on the earthworms.
What Is It?
Simon asked this and no answer came.
An answer came through seeing meditation as a forest. The forest is made up of trees, but how many trees does it take to make up a forest? "It" cannot be grasped. When this was relayed to John in interview, he said 'Yes, one could take apart anything with that thinking (Can one find a chariot through looking at its parts?)' He also mentioned Spring which could not be grasped as a thing. But he pushed further and said that the answer while pointing in the right direction, remained too technical. Through a gentle verbal pushing from John, the comfortable footing of ego slipped to where there was no intellect and uncertainty came in. Then he asked: "What is it?" and the answer came. BLANK. It was hilarious. Nothing there. Then the ego came in and "I" felt disappointed because "I" felt John had handed "me" the answer. He said to go into it a bit more. The realization was that if one was explaining what "it" is to some one, a little push from someone who knows better is necessary. Answers are not gotten in a way that one expects them to come,, they arise in different forms and ways.
It Is Not You And You Are Everything
All this was understood or experienced on a level where it was apparent what this meant. When I asked about the next step after having a bit of a new awareness, John replied to "keep practicing". This would help at challenging times when the "I" reappeared. On one level, reappearance means that the ego is not part of "it". "You are everything" means that when the ego is present there is separation from "it", "you" create your happiness, "you" create your suffering. As long as there is a "you" present, there cannot be a true understanding. This is also a helpful phrase because it reminds one that whatever the situation is, it is not completely true. Say for example, I feel lonely because I feel I have no friends or boyfriend, then this phrase reminds me that the bad situation is not me and I am actually the universe. The problem with that is that I still have the idea that there is an ego present. So, while comforted, one would still need to practice more.
Conclusion:
Upon returning home, all areas of my life have greatly improved. I thought I had become enlightened or "saw something". However, John and Simon wisely and gently told me that it wasn't 'Kensho' and to not worry about it and continue practicing. They are correct in this assessment because if there is an ego present to desire confirmation, then more practice needs to be done. In the Ch'an Magazine for Winter 2006 Master Sheng Yen talked about the dangers of claiming to be "enlightened" when one really isn't and then to misrepresent Buddhism. This is very dangerous because if the ego should reappear and "I" lost my temper or said something foolish, another person may think: "THAT'S how a Buddhist person is?" This would be very detrimental to everything that Master Sheng Yen, John, Simon, Hilary and all Buddhists are working very hard to cultivate. I'm not very familiar with Buddhist history or texts and I am learning more about them now by reading and asking questions.
