Western Zen Retreat report - just do it!

“What on earth I was I thinking, booking myself onto a Western Zen retreat? Too late now, I’ll just have to cope.” These were the thoughts in my head as I set off towards Shawbottom Farm.

At least in the Vipassana tradition I was used to I was practicing alone in my room and I only had to deal with the daily interview with my teacher. If I had understood it correctly, I was going to have to talk to other retreatants about personal things in my head. Sounded a lot like counselling, but possibly worse. It also sounded a lot like the Insight Dialogue method of Gregory Kramer, something I had been at pains to avoid. “Oh well, how bad could it be?”

Well the good news was we did not leap straight into it but had some regular meditation sessions. I also enjoyed the body elements - morning exercises and other moving meditations. By the time of the first communication exercise I was more settled. It was still almost as bad as I imagined, and 5 minutes is a long time to talk about the answer to the question “who am I?” when you have no idea where to start. Gradually, I came to realize that the power of the exercise was in part that the other person just listened, said nothing and kept their thoughts to themselves. There was no judgment. It was not so much a dialogue as an echo chamber. However, it was not just talking to yourself, nor simply reflective. It was altogether more profound and transformative. Also, the listening aspect was key in generating empathy and compassion. The exercise created a form of virtuous circle.

The communication exercises were part of an integrated whole which included silent sitting meditation, chanting, kinhin walking meditation, qi gong and action meditation. In addition there were meditation work periods (Samu). There was even the opportunity to walk in the countryside. Somehow everything flowed and fitted together, and I found the different forms of meditation and communication exercise were mutually supportive.

As I relaxed into the process, I even began to look forward to the communication exercise in a funny sort of way. Were they still uncomfortable? Yes. Was I still anxious about what was happening? Yes. However, I could feel how beneficial it was to have stepped outside my comfort zone to confront who I am. At the beginning of the retreat there was no way I would do another Western Zen retreat, but by the end of the retreat I was able to look forward to attending another at some point. I may not have located the gold in the pile of excrement (Tathāgatagarbha Sūtra), but I was certainly able to shovel a load out of my mind!

So, my advice? Just do it.