30 Years Later

The retreat gave me a space and context to deal with a situation that seemed overwhelming and allowed me to feel grief and sadness freely, without any preconditions or parameters but just simply for what they were. It helped me to reconnect with my feelings and allow them to flow through me or out of me. The support of the group and everybody working together on their inner world within the structured order of the retreat routine created a wonderful window for me to briefly examine my inner world. It was long enough to see clearly that it is a knotty and complex one where there have been plenty of closed doors and barriers to growth for a long time. My problems have not gone away but I have arrived at a better place.

Sometimes it was hard to believe that the process of communication exercises and koans is anything but a lot of nonsense, but the guidance and direction of the leader put me right on that one. Also I could see right into my mind of 30 years ago when I attended a retreat for the first time as a reckless 19 year old - an unexpected experience that brought back a lot of memories of the time, like coming home again, and enabled me to think about my life more broadly. I know that I have a home at the Maenllwyd, finding the place exactly the same, even the same dust collector and grubby old carpets!

Coming back into the world, it is cluttered, difficult and noisy. But I know that I have something in my heart now which will not go away and I can keep my questions "What is Love?" and "Who is all this happening to?" with me. It is strange, having to have the courage to believe in what has really happened.