Chan Retreat May 1990

My stay at Maenllwyd was a gift which I received with gratitude. It has given me deep insights which will always remain. I have sought the truth for many years, joining this group or that, always looking outside myself, out there, beyond. The concentrated watching, the allowing of my mind to express itself are things which I have avoided, the associated feelings being only partially felt and then successfully repressed with subsequent projection of anger and blame.

At Maenllwyd I found my breath rising from and returning again into the space, the void, which paradoxically I know encompasses all. There was a clear perception of my ego, its deep-seated voice, domination and constant illusion, a becoming aware of its cleverness, the way it creeps in by the back door wearing many forms and guises. The resistance to vision like a brick wall.

The silence, lowering of eyes and the constant attempt to be alert to all my thoughts, deeds and actions, together with the concentrated sitting in meditation allowed me to look and see and feel my own pain, sadness and hurt: to see my wheel of karma, allowing it to be, perceiving how I am encompassed in its constant turning. The washing of tea cloths in the stream, knowing the meaning of the words "letting go", "allowing" instead of "going out to do it". I would like to be there always. The fatigue was great but perhaps I needed it to break through my resistances.

Every day, from the moment I awoke, I saw I was constantly reacting to stimuli outside me. The ease of the group members waiting for me on the hillside. The words of the talks in the early mornings and evenings as if they were spoken to me alone. I wanted to keep them all for ever. The sharpness of the bell seemed to fill and expand inside my head and I followed that sound as it fell to nothing and into stillness.

In writing this, my resolve in my search for truth has been strengthened.