Before setting off on my journey to the retreat I was looking forward to the train journey and to a few hours walking before arriving at the Maenllwydd and I was excited at the prospect of coming on another retreat. However as I walked from Caersws the beautiful scenery only occasionally managed to break through my mental meanderings and I felt rather grumpy at the prospect of more communication exercises. But on arriving at the Maenllwyd I felt really good. It was nice to meet new people and to meet again some of the people I had met on my two previous Western Zen Retreats.
As with the previous two retreats, the first evening was quite pleasant but the first full day was not so nice. I felt bored, physically uncomfortable and awkward about talking in the communication exercises.
However, I was pleased to find that I would be working on the Chan Hall toilets. I don't know why, but that job had appealed to me before and when it came to it my expectations were not disappointed.
I have enjoyed cleaning ever since working as a part-time kitchen porter in a Catholic Friary for 18 months whilst a part-time student in the early 1990s. It was really satisfying to make the toilets nice for other people to use. I also had the satisfaction of fixing a problem with the urine separator, with the help of Hilary and Simon.
As the retreat progressed, I started to enjoy other aspects of the retreat as well. The sitting became, more comfortable and I got more into the swing of the communication exercises. I also found that I appreciated the scenery more in the breaks and the food more at meal times, I even started to enjoy some of the chanting.
At times I found the communication exercises to be difficult and frustrating and at other times uplifting and enjoyable. I rediscovered how hard it is to listen to someone fully without watching his or her face. I also found that the exercise became much more interesting and rewarding when I concentrated as hard as I could to listen to the other person without getting distracted by my own daydreams and without planning what I would say next.
After the retreat was over I started my journey home by walking over the hills. I felt slightly disappointed that I had not had any of those weird and wonderful Zen experiences that I had read about in books and I also felt slightly disappointed that I was still daydreaming, worrying, planning, regretting and generally waffling on inside instead of just fully enjoying walking in the hills. On the other hand I found that I seemed to be a bit lighter in my heart than usual and that the gaps between my daydreaming and waffling seemed to be a little longer and more frequent than normal.
Looking back now three days after the end of the retreat I feel that overall it was a pleasant experience and that I am enjoying my life back at home more than usual as well. I think that one of the reasons I seem to prefer retreats to holidays at the moment is that although they are both fun at the time, retreats seem to leave me feeling good after they are over whereas holidays often leave me feeling that I want to be on holiday still when I get home.
