Letting go of this, letting go of that: what then?

I arrived at my first Western Zen retreat with no expectations and was looking forward to spending five days meditating in the beautiful Welsh countryside. When I arrived I felt immediately at home in the old converted farmhouse and the fact that there was no electricity supply only added to the atmosphere.

I had been on many retreats previously but this was my first retreat combining both insight meditation and Koan type, communication exercises, with also periods of physical exercises. I found that this mix was beneficial both mentally and physically as the Koan exercises fed into the meditation and vice versa and the physical exercises meant that my body remained free from stiffness and relatively free from discomfort.

The communication exercises were an eye-opener. Working with the Koan - Who am I? one gets to work with each member of the group, a number of times, each time allowing and not censoring what comes to mind and communicating this to one’s partner who is not allowed to comment. This way any issues or blockages can come bubbling up into the light of awareness and can be allowed to let go. For me issues of vulnerabllity, relationships and self image came to the fore and though I had some knowledge of these, the exercises made me much more aware of how much they were affecting my meditation and my life. Seeing these much more clearly gave a sense of ease, a sense of peacefulness. It was quite an emotional process at first but the emotions settled down as these parts of my character were accepted and were seen to be ‘just the way things were’. One thing I found surprising was how open all the members of the group seemed to be. Because of this a bond formed amongst the members. I felt a feeling of care and consideration, a feeling of love.

My mind went through many stages during the week. After the first day there was a sense, almost of euphoria, as discoveries were made in the communication exercises and a feeling of being in the right place was present. The following day it was all change. My mind was in a whirl. I did not want to be at the retreat. I did not want to continue with the communication exercises any more. I felt vulnerable. I started counting the days to the end of the retreat. The next day was similiar but with the help of the mindfulness meditation I began to look more closely at what my mind was up to. I found that I was hanging on to these negative feelings and also they seemed to take on a sense of being permanent, that they were going to hang around for a long time. It made me laugh out loud to see silly this was. Why was I causing myself such pain and distress by hanging onto these thoughts? I began to see how conditioned-in this tendency was - how often I had done the very same thing - hanging on - over a very long period. So these thoughts were bound to arise because of this conditioning and that was OK. The way to deal with them was just to watch them and let them go. In the same way feelings of vulnerability were just that, feelings and could be let go.

On the last day of the retreat, it became clear how much I was driven by wanting pleasant feelings or at least not wanting unpleasant feelings, particularly in relation to self image. I had a big desire to stay in my comfort zone and not expose the flaws in my character. With the help of the teacher in the interviews and the meditation I now saw clearly the processes in my mind, of wanting and not wanting and the painful results that ensued. The biggest insight was that all of this was OK, it was just conditioning and providing that I let it be it would not cause any problems. That and living an ethical lifestyle.

I found the teaching on the retreat excellent, the location and atmosphere ideally suited to meditation and help and support was always there. I left the retreat in a very peaceful frame of mind. I look forward to my next one.