I began my second Chan retreat at the Maenllwyd with the method of counting the breath but soon, stimulated by the phrases" Nothing to do. Nowhere to go", I changed to pure breath observation, a relief in its simplicity.
Quite early on I became aware of how my whole body liked to turn very slowly and deliberately around to my left like a spring gradually winding itself up. It was as though I was turning away from something - namely the Universe. But I also noticed there was a counter turning back to the right, a series of jerks which brought with it a tremendous sense of relief as though at last I was facing what I had spent a life time evading.
My life has been spent running away from something that does not exist, a monster called "myself. Now the fight was on and the wall in front of me became the scene of countless bloody massacres as the Rinzai warrior got to work simply keeping my spirit alive and not allowing it to be dragged down into states of fear, evil and self pity. Yet, as the retreat progressed I began opening up, making friends with the Universe. This opening was not without resistance, however, as to be truly one with the universe there is no ego and often I could hear a faint pathetic voice whine "what about me?"
On day four, as I was going though the Buddha Room there was a fellow meditator bowing on his knees and, as I too started bowing to the Buddha, I realised that actually I was bowing to this prostrate form in front of me. I cried as I realised how much I have separated myself from others through pride and greed.
About halfway through the retreat there began what I can only describe as a war in my face. I became aware of two contrasting expressions on my outer face - the one I put on for the world. The right side felt the innocent, wide eyed wonder of a small child while the left felt a cruel, condescending sneer. Jeckel and Hyde! For two and a half days my face felt as though it was burning alive with red hot pokers inside my eyes. I wanted to rip off this outer dualistic face. Then, during one early morning sitting (day 5), I experienced a face behind these worldly masks. It was nothing - a faceless observer. By the end of that day the facial war had subsided.
I became aware that my breathing was doing itself and it felt as though I was riding a winged horse on the wind - riding it without trying to control it. During some of the outside sessions I got a sense of looking at a picture and then, for a moment, I was in the picture merging with the hills.
Once I had a sense of my shadow on the wall gradually pervading the "me" on the cushion and I saw a door in space beyond which was a feeling of intense joy and light. I was going to jump through when the bell went. In another sitting the silence became louder and louder until I thought my head would explode but again, before it could do so, the bell went. a My task as a table layer became very interesting and I constantly used the phrase no self; just hands doing a job; jobs getting done" and everything seemed to flow. During one table laying, I was turning around to my right to pick up something when I turned back to my left and seemed to be re-entering the zone of time having been momentarily in a state of no-time. It was as if I was walking back into my mind having been out of it. In the timeless zone there was no mind. At once I started to get excited, desiring another similar experience but I used the phrase "ordinary mind" and soon the craving faded.
Once I was sitting by the stream and the sound of it bubbling and splashing got louder and louder until it was inside me and my whole being was itself the stream. The I as I know myself had disappeared. There were fleeting moments of a force of energy, life force, spirit energy, to my right with again that intense joy and light and I had the sense that this force of energy was urging me to come out of the depths of darkness and into light and life.
On day five I became aware of a feeling of complacency and arrogance as though I had nothing else to learn. "I know how to do retreats!" but soon recognised this to be a huge lie. I went slower in my actions and isolated myself more from my fellow meditators so that once again I felt as though I was at the beginning of the retreat.
I decided not to say anything during the discussions on the last couple of evenings. Instead I listened to others speaking about their practice. I was stunned by the urge in me that wanted to stick my oar in and be the centre of attention - "Me! Me! Me! Listen to me!" - the ego was crying, but instead I listened to the silence of nature focusing my eyes on the flickering candle and gradually the crying evaporated.
I slept well on the retreat but on the last night I woke up gradually out of, and with, the most intense evil force I have ever felt. It was sitting right in the middle of my being - terrifying and yet fascinating. The fact that I had touched it and let myself be touched by it felt a tremendous relief. I had acknowledged something that as a little girl I had been too terrified to face and so had decided to be a "good person" - thereby growing up to be a patronizing hypercritical adult. These illusory monsters of myself are gradually evaporating into nothingness.
Six days after the retreat I feel as though I have been set free from a self-imposed prison and am standing on the threshold of that door into space. I haven't jumped yet but when I do it will be into a state that is beyond an "I" that knows it. Maybe that is why the figure of the nun on the altar is smiling. She's jumped.
