As I neared Maenllwyd I could see where I needed to get to as I recognised it from the pictures but I wasn’t sure which way to go. One way had a closed gate and appeared to go further away from where I wanted to be, and the other way was an open gate and appeared to head more in the direction of where I was trying to get to. I decided to take the route which seemed to go towards where I wanted to be, and as I headed across the field I had a sense that I was going the wrong way. It was a rough drive, a route that few take (without 4 wheel drive) but I made it.
On reflection this could describe my life, I had taken a difficult path, one which few take but somehow I had made it this far. I was greeted by Fiona to whom I said, ‘I think I came the wrong way’, to which she smiled and replied, ‘Well, you got here’. What a great response, I felt really welcome and knew I was going to like it there.
I was right; it was as if nothing could prevent me from being happy, comfortable and at ease. I was liking it so much that I even questioned whether I was taking it seriously or whether I had some defence mechanism in play preventing me from facing myself. Come on, getting up at 5am, up and out within 10 minutes to do exercises in the yard. Nobody should enjoy that, right? Not having time to drink the only cup of tea in the morning, having to queue for a shower then not having enough time to even dry properly. I began to look at what I could possibly be enjoying and I came to the conclusion that routine and good healthy food work well with me. I also felt incredibly comfortable around these people and felt that it was a safe place to be.
My question was ‘Who am I?’ I started this process thinking that I was two different people. One being an outgoing, happy, confident sociable person; the other being vulnerable, needy, anxious, and someone who shuts themselves away not wanting to see anyone. I suffer from social anxiety and it was suggested that this could be that I’m scared of being found out, that I am probably hiding something. This got me thinking, what could I be hiding? I even said that I hadn’t done anything majorly wrong in my life at least not to anyone other than myself…mmmm that got me thinking even more.
I began to share some of my experiences in the communication exercises which I found really difficult to do to begin with. I recognised that I mainly told my story without an emotional attachment with it, in a kind of, ‘this happened.. then.. that happened’ kind of fashion. Getting in touch with and showing my emotions to others in the group felt like a huge challenge.
The interviews brought up more shit that I wasn’t sharing in the group some of which was really serious for me, but it was as though that couldn’t keep me down for long either. This caused some difficult thoughts and feelings as I was thinking that I didn’t deserve to be happy. Fiona and Simon were great in the interviews, each time I saw one of them I was able to connect with my feelings. They listened then just seemed to know what to say, but I still didn’t know the answer to ‘Who am I?’
At times, when meditating, or walking and sometimes whilst running I get a sense of calm and peace. I was thinking that this was what I was aiming for, that this was me underneath all the shit that I had accumulated through my life. I was thinking that if I worked through everything that came up then I would be able to connect with who I am for more than just fleeting glimpses. With this idea I had to try and get somewhere, to reach a goal.
I had an interview towards the end of the third day and my conclusion was just that, I was someone who still had a lot of shit in their barrel to work through. This felt like I hadn’t really learnt anything, I knew that before I came. Okay I had worked through lots but I didn’t really feel like anything had changed. I was over half way through the retreat and I felt disappointed with that conclusion.
After lights out, I fell asleep pretty quickly and slept well until I woke up suddenly. I felt wide awake and the first thought that came into my head was the answer that I had been looking for!!! I felt really excited and I just knew that it all made sense, everything made sense. I didn’t have to hide, or run away from, or get to anywhere!!! That was it; I couldn’t sleep then, so I crept out and went up the hill side where I could see millions of stars. There was no light pollution and the sky was clear, it was totally amazing. I stayed there for quite a long time thinking that it was nearly time for lights to come on and time to get up but I had no idea what time it was. I usually tell the time using my mobile and obviously didn’t have that so I had no idea. I decided to creep back to bed and it was still ages before it was time to get up.
After exercises in the yard, Fiona spoke to us about the process and who we were. Her words made utter sense and it was funny because she couldn’t have spelt it out any clearer. Yet I couldn’t get it before?! I was very emotional that day and although I cried a lot I couldn’t remember the last time that I had laughed so much either. It was all good, I was really getting in touch with my emotions and I felt love for everyone in the room.
I had so much to reflect on that I said that I felt that I didn’t need another question; this had changed so much for me. I had sadness around not knowing the answer years ago, and sadness that I may go home and forget what I had learned. Yet I also felt so happy and relieved that I knew. ‘I know who I am!!!!’ On the final day I noticed a lot of reluctance to leave. I had had the best time, good and bad seemed all good. I wanted to stay in touch and swapped email addresses and I was almost the last to leave. I believe that I was trying to hold onto the experience, grasping it with both hands. I had to let it go as all experiences are forever changing, Impermanence!
On the way home I got lost. Somehow I ended up driving along single track roads in the Brecon Beacons. I had been relying on my sat nav and I noticed an annoyance and concern around my predicament. I was tired and really my thoughts were already about getting home and having a bath. Then once I recognised this I felt a sense of, ‘it’s alright’, it was actually beautiful here and although I was lost, I knew who was lost!! This brought a smile to my face and I began to look at my experience. I then had thoughts around, if only when my sat nav had lost its signal it had the ability to turn round and say, 'I don’t know where I am, I am lost' instead of just keeping going and making it up as it went along.
This is how I feel that I had been as a child, starting off knowing where I was going then getting lost along the way. Then instead of speaking up and facing my vulnerabilities, I began to make it up by seeing myself as two different people!!!!
Until next time…
