I arrived not knowing what the retreat was going to be like. I knew we would investigate the question “who am I?” but preferred to find out how once I got there to avoid expectations or anxiety. I was very much looking forward to the luxury of having everything organised for me. I would not have to make any decisions, just follow instructions and bells. This time, I didn't even wear a watch and it all seemed to work quite nicely. Being self-employed, I'm often overworked so not having to deal with emails, phone calls, commuting as well as housework and family life meant I was actually free to stop and take a look at the person actually doing all these things, day in day out. I had a vague idea of what I wanted to work on but didn't want to force it into my meditation. However, quite unexpectedly, it did come up in the communication exercises but also during interviews, sitting, work and even eating meditation.
I was brought up in a house with a very strict Catholic father and a mother with very ambiguous religious beliefs in a very traditional society which I fled over 15 years ago. It was a loving family but I never really found my place in that sort of bubble in which I lived. I've lived with very strong conditioning of who I should be, who I should be with and what I should do with my life. Meditation and Buddhism had no place in that life.
I found the exercises of repeating over and over “Who am I?” really helped untangle these conditioned thoughts from how I really feel and see them clearly for what they are: other people's baggage that I've made my own. During an interview, Simon, who has a wonderful sense of humour said something like “stop taking other people's stuff!” when we were talking about it. I encountered so much pain and resistance to the idea of taking refuge which would mean really letting go of all this “stuff ” that wasn't mine but that was running my life. On day 3, I got all sorts of physical ailments: sore throat, upset tummy, pounding headache, brain fog...I was clumsy and uncoordinated. It was quite embarrassing in my interactions with others. However, I decided to stay and “ride the monster” instead of letting it ride me. This led to a wonderfully calm sense of lightness and resolution on day 4. I also managed to not dwell too much on this and continue paying attention to other details that came up during practice so more cans of worms turned up for me to take home and work on.
My refuge ceremony on day 5 was perfect because it was the opposite of what I had imagined: no fancy dress or social pressures. Just me affirming what I know in my heart that I am, and accepting “this is my path”. It has been for nearly two years now, only now I can embrace it fully. I've been home for nearly three weeks and this feeling of lightness still persists. It's like something very deep has shifted. I've found fewer excuses not to meditate and I have found that it's actually true that the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I sometimes find myself wondering if this feeling will go away soon as I might still be in a sort of post retreat state but that self-doubt is also something I've learnt to just take into my practice, as it comes.
I'm very grateful for Simon and Dan's guidance, generosity and support as well as that of our tenzos, time keepers and guest master in helping me in this process.
