I was amazed to see how much came up during the communication exercises.
It went on till the last exercise unhindered by my attempt to tie things up and put a nice bit of wrapping paper around them.
It can be summarized in 'Who am I when nothing is happening?' because I really do not know who I am when I am not continually adding to my sense of self by putting a few more compliments in my nice warm bath of pride (all invented, but still nice and warm to soak in). And it was good to see the advantage of pride, to see why I like it and why I really do not want to let go of it, rather than denouncing it as bad.
A few days later I find that something has happened to my constant train of thought. It doesn't work so well any more. And where before I had always dreamed of this good buddhist life full of mindfulness I now find myself more aware, yet don't know whether this is what I wanted.
And it is all very much about me and I, and I feel they have been dented badly, my belief in them, my fun in them, my comfort in them, and now it isn't as cosy any more. I always felt/hoped that Buddhist retreats were there to make ME happier, and this retreat has been very different. I have seen more of the clockwork of my thoughts and can't put the front plate back on. It feels I have caught myself out, maybe for good, and it certainly does not make me happier. More aware yes, more awake yes, but out in the cold with the wind blowing, rather than warm by the fire soaking in all the wise thoughts that have raised their heads at the retreat.
Yet it also feels that I am running less hard, that what I fear is already there and I can't run away from it. I feel it in my chest, all the time, no idea what it is. The two of me are more joined up, with the manic one less manic and the doopy one who eats chocolate more present all the time but without the chocolate. It is not a happy gathering, but it is a more true gathering.
To be all right with being a nobody, rather than jumping around in order to be a somebody. Not attractive, not easy, but requiring less batteries. And I try to look after myself better and that is a new feeling. It is a bit scary to stand still and take the time to notice how I feel and what I want/need. Am I cold, am I hungry, am I tired, rather than just doing everything that is on my list to be done, not thinking about the person who is doing it or whether I can make the process more enjoyable. Process not product. A different focus. I have to slow down to feel how the process is, and that is a new way of doing things. We'll see.
So here I sit, with new warm thermals, and having just eaten a very nice sandwich, life can't be that bad!
Thank you very much for your kindness and understanding. This retreat was good, not in the way I wanted it, but all the better for that.
