What Can I Say?

The retreat was an opportunity to practice. But it was also a rare event, for when does a Chan Master such as Master Sheng Yen ever come to a remote Welsh cottage to lead a retreat? Those of us who were able to participate were indeed fortunate.

Last December in New York, Shifu advised me to rest before my next retreat. Having suffered greatly in New York, I made sure I took his advice. I told myself not to resist - to relax and accept whatever happened, to treat everything lightly. With this approach I could lift myself more easily out of difficulties.

Now, after the event it seems that my experience of the retreat was that it was eventful but not memorable. Not that it was not momentous. It's just that there was a natural movement from one experience to another, from one moment to the next. I think my method, counting the breath, had a lot to do with this. I suffered the usual back pain, wandering thoughts and drowsiness, but also there were more times when the method just flowed without interruption. On this retreat I have really worked on the method and come to appreciate it and let it go.

The first day was a little uncomfortable and on the second I woke feeling disheartened. But, treat it lightly! And then Shifu's early morning comments were about confidence. Confidence in oneself, one's method, one's teacher. I had no more difficulty with lack of confidence.

There were some occasions - not just during sittings - when there was deep silence and watchfulness with very few wandering thoughts. And when there were difficulties I never had to sit with the same one for more than a couple of sessions. The energy felt easy, light. At first we were all crushed together - thirty one of us in quite a small zendo. I thought, "this is going to be interesting". One of my legs touched the leg of the man on my left, the other the toes of the woman on my right. But it didn't worry me. Later on, when several moved up to the mezzanines, the pressure was relieved. Sometimes in that zendo, the silence was incredible. At others, much shuffling. We were like a single organism. The closeness was also good during the circular walking. Shifu kept the circle tight and even. He was precise in everything. We were each at the end of our spoke in the wheel, just rotating in the field under the shifting sky.

Shifu taught us the method of direct contemplation which involves looking or listening (or both) but without one thought arising, so that the object of your attention is not even named. Once when Shih fu was talking about words, how they are not accurate, are not "it", he made it so clear why one should work to drop thought. As I understand it, thought is word based and so in dropping thought one gets behind (or ahead of) the descriptive, judging processes of the brain to where the experiencing actually is. He also said something memorable about past and future. Past and future should be dropped. But in dropping them one also drops the present. This is crucially different from my previous understanding of being "in the now". He took the analogy of a length of string. "Past and future are like a length of string. You can cut them to separate them - but then where is the present?" I found this quite a mind blowing idea!

I didn't get on too well with direct contemplation. Thoughts about what I was listening to (the murmuring stream) kept arising. A stream of water and a stream of thoughts! The mind such a slippery vehicle - like sticky slime. It was amusing, interesting and frustrating to witness once again the extent to which I am not in control! I found it better to contemplate something tiny, a minute stone or leaf. I also found that activities such as cutting a score of pieces of orange, or a piece of ginger into teeny weeny cubes in preparation for the evening's soup, led to such silence and focused attention.

On the evening of day three I was making slow prostrations in the zendo, not doing them very well. Suddenly I saw everything was different. I was looking at everything out of a completely silent space. So silent it seemed unreal. I was still aware of myself, and of the passing of time. But there was no thought pressing at consciousness. Such separateness as if I were inside a glass dome, with the outside world and also my thoughts the other side of the glass. This lasted perhaps fifteen minutes. The bell went for Shih fu's lecture. Later on Shifu said that this was a good experience, the beginning of universal mind. I should have asked him what that was!

The next day I experienced cathartic weeping. It seemed to have been triggered by a wandering thought involving a blind girl I once knew. Suddenly tears forced themselves out from between my closed eyelids. I wept and wept. Later Shifu talked about weeping. Several of us had experienced tears of sadness or of joy. Shifu said it was generally good to weep, as it was the ch'i rising which caused it. However one should beware of the "demon sadness".

That afternoon after the Maenllwyd cup of tea I noticed a gathering of energy around my method. The breathing was focusing the concentration more and more strongly. It seemed as if awareness was imploding into a tiny space. Then finally it expanded out and out. I was not aware of my body - only a space that could not be described as vast or small. Self reference, though, was still there. The mental space seemed like a void and yet it was incredibly energetic. Right out on the perimeters of awareness was all I knew of the universe including my own physical body. Then later, as I gazed on and on, something happened in the top of, or above my head. Red light suddenly began to pour down from a source I could not see. It was like fire, but cool, or rather had no temperature. Brilliant red, orange and sometimes peacock greens and blues. I was amazed and also highly amused. I wanted to laugh at it. How ridiculous!

I took this experience to Shifu. He said "but you did not drop yourself". No, I had not yet dropped self. He said it was expanded mind and the ch'i would give me energy to practice. I should continue to work on my method.

This retreat was a superb opportunity to work on my method and receive some good guidance. The experience with ch'i cured a backache I had been working with for two days and gave me energy for sitting. I now feel energised, healthy and happy. I feel completely myself. I also have a much clearer idea of what are the aims and methods of meditation, a deep respect for Shifu and the three jewels of wisdom, and renewed vigour to continue the practice and deepen compassion and effectiveness for others.