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  4. Why are you Here?

Why are you Here?

I felt an immense sense of fear and trepidation when I sent my cheque in for my first WZR. Previous to this my record at sitting was about 12 minutes, during which I would usually get terribly restless and my ankles would hurt due to the amount of sport I have played. On the other side I had spent years devouring books on Buddhism and quite a few other ‘isms’ too. My father had always been interested in Zen and was involved with Christmas Humphreys and Buddhism a long time ago but seemed to have dissociated himself from the group, I think because he hated clubs and organisations of any kind. He was a bit of a maverick intellectually and preferred to pursue his interests on his own.

My childhood house was full of books on Buddhism and Zen in particular. Now and again I used to dip into them to see if I could find out a bit more about where my Dad was at. He found it difficult to explain his fascination with these ideas to me. When I looked into the books I found them incomprehensible, like riddles with little or no meaning. Sometimes I would ask my father what he got out of it and he would reply enigmatically with something like: "Sitting quietly, doing nothing. Spring comes and the grass grows under your feet." Knowing my Dad, I took this as a recipe for non-action, something he was quite good at.

However after living for some years in Mexico and experimenting with hallucinogens I became much more interested in Buddhism; but while I continued to read a lot, my life became increasingly chaotic and intolerable.

So it was with this background that I arrived at Maenllwyd. I thought of packing the boot of the car with beer and fags, my two main addictions. I wrestled with whether or not to bring my tobacco, would I be able to sneak off and have a quiet beer and a puff? I decided against it since I imagined myself in the hall obsessing about my next fix. When I arrived the hall seemed very formal, I wasn't up to this, not advanced enough.

The retreat began. Sitting was very hard, all my old injuries came back to haunt me, they visited me one by one, even the ones I thought I had got over. On the second day I felt very bad, felt like I was being abused, very annoyed at John and Simon and the bloody click-clickity thing that woke me every morning. I check out how easily I might get my car out and discovered it was right at the back of the yard so that in order to move it a lot of other people would have to move their cars too; I gave up the idea. At this point I felt I had been kicked all over my back. Yet, on the next day most of the pain miraculously disappeared. At moments I felt as if I was floating. I even looked forward to sitting. I felt a bit trippy and was aware how this feeling came and went. It wasn't constant.

Then I decide I must look like shit. I must have a shave. But when? Yes - during the tea after the early morning exercises. So I rush upstairs leaving the solemn tea party, finally I have got a bit of space for myself! I am a desperate man. I turn on my torch - for there's no electricity here - I smear shaving foam on my face, pick up the razor when, horror of horrors, the bell rings and I feel completely stressed out. I shave in ten seconds, knock the torch over and swearing loudly I rush headlong into the hall. Thank God, I just made it. Then during sitting I start to smile at how uptight I have gotten, for some reason I start to have a sense of humour about myself and also feel a bit kinder to myself. Perhaps the retreat has in some way worn down my resistance.

I also experience frustrating feelings during the communication exercises. At one point I feel that if any one else asks me `Who I am', I will clock them. I get called for an interview with John. He is very patient and says quietly "Why are you here?" I feel tears well up in my eyes, something about allowing feelings and intuition in too.

Funny thing about time. On the retreat I often lost track of what day it was, sometimes I felt I just had to ask other participants. I felt I was in some kind of alternative world. Some days seemed very long, others zipped by. When I returned home it seemed at moments that the retreat had only lasted a few hours, very weird. My six year-old son asked me whether I had been to the moon. I said, "Maybe".

What I am aware of in these weeks after the retreat is that I seem to have more space to live in, it is easier to just let thoughts and feelings arise and then go; a feeling that I am not the whole story and also the whole story too.

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  • Author: Anonymous
  • Publication date: 1999-03-31
  • Modified date: 2025-02-08
  • Categories: 1999 Western Zen Retreat Reports Anonymous
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Anonymous retreatant
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©Western Chan Fellowship CIO 1997-2025. May not be quoted for commercial purposes. Anyone wishing to quote for non-commercial purposes may seek permission from the WCF Secretary.

The articles on this website have been submitted by various authors and the views expressed do not necessarily represent the views of the Western Chan Fellowship.

Permalink: https://w-c-f.org/Q372-172

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