A Chan Retreat begins for me when leaving home; making the journey as relaxed as possible; taking my time. In the preceding months I'd felt the need for a period of concentrated practice, and was willing and determined to let go of the 'daily round' and make good use of this rare opportunity. I was greeted in the yard by John, whose warm welcome and gesture to park the car sealed my 'arrival'.
As darkness descended and the lamps were lit it was time for tea and introductions. Some of us explained our reasons for being there. I talked about the 'adolescent society', peoples' endless seeking after novelty and taking refuge in pleasure; and then of the remnants of my own adolescence that have become a hindrance to me.
I went to look for my place in the Hall and found I was to sit in front of the shrine. Early in the evening the room was slightly smoky from the fire. I began to cough; a tickly cough which developed into a kind of koan for me - smoke from the Tibetan incense aggravated it and the smoke lingered in the attic where I slept. Smoke remained a significant feature of my week, reminding me of hindrances I have to overcome.
In sitting I was quickly able to let go of everything and just Be There. Early days passed quickly, sometimes in a state of clarity, feeling contented with the pleasure of practice - glad to be there; sometimes my mind was dull and in a fog, drifting in fantasies, unable to WAKE UP, then after five or ten minutes realising I'd been 'caught out' again! At first I felt frustration, then realising that kindness to myself was required, I just let it be - all part of the rhythm. "By our own wills and vigilance may we our fetters cut away" - came to me as inspiration to make the effort. The days passed calmly, it was a joy to be there, ever mindful of what a rare opportunity it was to train. During the week, the chanting in Chinese of the Three Refuges during morning and evening services grew to be increasingly harmonious and significant, an expression of our singularity of purpose.
About halfway through the week John introduced direct contemplation, which I had tried before without 'success'. This time I think I was better prepared, perhaps more open. We began with slow kihhin, eyes closed, which I found a powerful meditational experience. On opening my eyes and raising them slowly to the landscape I heard a curlew and saw a pair of buzzards circling the pine ridge. We each chose our own spot to sit, from which to contemplate the landscape, allowing our eyes to rest in one place. I was sitting under a pine tree on a ridge. The view of the landscape was expansive, too much and too active. The movements of tractors, cars and sheep passed through my field of vision.
I lowered my eyes to some grass and sat for a while without disturbance. It was then I felt the sun on my face. I closed my eyes and lifted my face to its warmth. I could hear the wind getting up and feel its power growing as it came down the valley. It became even stronger. I felt my head being filled with the wind. There was indescribable light - wind and light. My eyes were still closed. I could feel an energy building; just wind and light and emptiness in my head. Then an easing of the wind - it seemed to return to the valley. I was again aware of the solldity of earth beneath me.
The bell rang for our return to the house. I felt waves of some kind of energy rising in my body. There was a strange mixture of certainty and amazement. I felt that my practice had been confirmed. I put on my boots - they felt very heavy - and gathered my belongings. The descent to the house seemed slow and very purposeful, there was a sense of isolation.
I went to sit in the Zendo. My mind wanted to explain my experience but the questioning was futile. I just seemed to be sitting with this feeling of confirmation. Later I asked for an interview; John told me I had been given a 'glimpse'. I went to the Buddha room and made prostrations to the Buddha.
During the rest of the Retreat I had to make efforts to prevent my ego-mind going over and over the event, and was often overcome with immense gratitude which each time brought me to tears. I am left with a sense of the urgency to practice consistently. "Already you are in possession of the vital attributes of a human being, do not waste time with this and that - you can possess the authority of a Buddha". (Dogen)
Under the pine
a wind came out of the valley.
Affirmation was given,
received with bows.
