Dharma Library

Previous Western Zen Retreats have been enormously powerful and emotional experiences and I brought with me all sorts of expectations.

My koan was "What is life?" The aspect of my life that came up over and over again was to do with my work, specifically the job I am doing now, which involves four hours travelling a day and is turning out more and more to be not what I want to do.

Last summer on…

Why have I come to this desolate place? Why have I kept pushing myself to find the ultimate 'truth'? Why did I launch myself on this quest, why didn't I just ignore my doubts, close my eyes and enjoy the bliss of uncaring ignorance? Such were my thoughts as I struggled up the muddy path, against a bitterly wet wind, towards the cloud shrouded hills.

My destination was a Dharma retreat, famed for…

I came to the New York retreat unsure of what to expect. Earlier retreats at Maenllwyd had afforded powerful experiences and insight into dilemmas. In the back of my mind however I began to feel that in some way I was beginning to second guess the retreat process and was becoming too familiar with John's centre in Wales. I wanted to embark on a retreat with no idea of where I might come out at the…

Tantric Retreat, Maenllwyd, July 1994

Driving up to Maenllwyd, knowing that I would be asked, I tried to formulate the reason as to why I wanted to participate in the retreat. I couldn't really think of an answer and was quite relieved when not asked. With hindsight I think that I went because I was curious as to what "Adding Tantra to the Path" entailed and wanted to experience the same "high"…

On the first evening John told us that he was going to teach silent illumination. This is a method that I have felt affinity for, and have begun to use on previous retreats. I have had glimpses of serenity and silence but I have found it difficult to sustain and use at home. Should I stick to my plan of "raising the doubt" as I had set out to do? I decided that the only thing to do was to go along…

I arrived at the retreat in poor shape. I was tired and stressed and, although there were no major problems in my life, the general wear and tear had taken its toll. I always expect the first days of a retreat to be difficult but this time they were exceptionally so. During a previous retreat I had developed a severe middle-ear infection which had required a course of anti-biotics. I had had an…

I always tried to be so good
And do the things that Buddha would
But now I find it's come to pass
That no good things were made to last.

So now I stand upon this hill
Submit myself to thine own will
And in the merry month of May
The beast I feared has come to play.

I've given up the strength to fight
No longer yearn for love or light
For now it's hell's gates that open to receive me
And it's the Antichrist…

Oh, resolute pine 
how you have stolen my heart!
Majestic and proud as a warrior ever-watchful,
behind Maenllwyd.

It is clear there is nowhere to go:
night follows day
for the time-worn shepherd
alone with the hills.

I felt very much at home sitting around the fire on the first evening, happy I'd come and ready for the retreat. I'd taken a bit more care than usual to prepare myself with additional meditation and tried not to arrive too tired. My wife and I have had a lot of sadness in the last few years, which has beaten us down, and the retreat was a chance to emerge from this. I also wanted to explore the…

I began my second Chan retreat at the Maenllwyd with the method of counting the breath but soon, stimulated by the phrases" Nothing to do. Nowhere to go", I changed to pure breath observation, a relief in its simplicity.

Quite early on I became aware of how my whole body liked to turn very slowly and deliberately around to my left like a spring gradually winding itself up. It was as though I was…