Dharma Library

Tantric Retreat, Maenllwyd, July 1994

Driving up to Maenllwyd, knowing that I would be asked, I tried to formulate the reason as to why I wanted to participate in the retreat. I couldn't really think of an answer and was quite relieved when not asked. With hindsight I think that I went because I was curious as to what "Adding Tantra to the Path" entailed and wanted to experience the same "high"…

On the first evening John told us that he was going to teach silent illumination. This is a method that I have felt affinity for, and have begun to use on previous retreats. I have had glimpses of serenity and silence but I have found it difficult to sustain and use at home. Should I stick to my plan of "raising the doubt" as I had set out to do? I decided that the only thing to do was to go along…

I arrived at the retreat in poor shape. I was tired and stressed and, although there were no major problems in my life, the general wear and tear had taken its toll. I always expect the first days of a retreat to be difficult but this time they were exceptionally so. During a previous retreat I had developed a severe middle-ear infection which had required a course of anti-biotics. I had had an…

I always tried to be so good
And do the things that Buddha would
But now I find it's come to pass
That no good things were made to last.

So now I stand upon this hill
Submit myself to thine own will
And in the merry month of May
The beast I feared has come to play.

I've given up the strength to fight
No longer yearn for love or light
For now it's hell's gates that open to receive me
And it's the Antichrist…

Oh, resolute pine 
how you have stolen my heart!
Majestic and proud as a warrior ever-watchful,
behind Maenllwyd.

It is clear there is nowhere to go:
night follows day
for the time-worn shepherd
alone with the hills.

I felt very much at home sitting around the fire on the first evening, happy I'd come and ready for the retreat. I'd taken a bit more care than usual to prepare myself with additional meditation and tried not to arrive too tired. My wife and I have had a lot of sadness in the last few years, which has beaten us down, and the retreat was a chance to emerge from this. I also wanted to explore the…

I began my second Chan retreat at the Maenllwyd with the method of counting the breath but soon, stimulated by the phrases" Nothing to do. Nowhere to go", I changed to pure breath observation, a relief in its simplicity.

Quite early on I became aware of how my whole body liked to turn very slowly and deliberately around to my left like a spring gradually winding itself up. It was as though I was…

How different my life would have been had I never attended retreats at Maenllwyd I cannot say, but without a doubt my life has changed phenomenally over the last four years. Until then, when I had the good fortune to come on my first Western Zen Retreat, I had been motivated almost entirely by fear and self- doubt. I had a deep rooted sense of worthlessness, critical of self and others. I was…

A Chan Retreat begins for me when leaving home; making the journey as relaxed as possible; taking my time. In the preceding months I'd felt the need for a period of concentrated practice, and was willing and determined to let go of the 'daily round' and make good use of this rare opportunity. I was greeted in the yard by John, whose warm welcome and gesture to park the car sealed my 'arrival'.

As…

I cannot write in hindsight, yet three days after the Retreat ending I am still in it, with a deep sense of calm and sitting sessions that pass seemingly fast. Vast silence is dearly perceived. This is perhaps the benefit of 'not meditating". This was the second Retreat¹ I had attended within a month so I settled in easily. The sittings were clear the first morning, but after lunch tiredness set…