Dharma Library

Since attending the WZR at Pinebush (2004) I have been listening to tapes of John's talks frequently while driving. Earlier today, driving along and listening, John's question: "Are you that question?" in one of his talk segments about "Tell me who you are." triggered something which caused me to exclaim: "That's it!". It is difficult to explain the shift in my definition of "I" and certain…

A few miles from the Maenllwyd I telephone home. I squirm like a little girl as I sign off with my partner who reassures me that I'll be OK. Going up the track I pass a departing taxi driver who clearly feels a kindly amusement at my foolishness. I pull into the yard and draw up my handbrake as I look at the seated men in my rear view mirror promising myself that I am not going to get out. With my…

It was the first time in seven years that I had been back to Maenllwyd. I had not seen the new Chan hall and was very impressed with the conversion. Sleeping arrangements had improved vastly though the slightly hillbilly, unkempt hay barn look had sadly disappeared.

As to the retreat. Sitting was not bad at all. Slightly more formal than in the old upstairs room. But plenty of zafus. Not much…

In the yard, after the rain, every step makes mud. Why do I hate the squelching?

Mixed-up youth, far-out experiences. I first read about Zen, as a 15-year-old in 1966, in Alan Watts' "The Way of Zen". I was immediately attracted by the sense of the Zen masters knowing something that was wonderful yet ordinary in that it was always present. From that time, for perhaps 7 years, I read much about…

Twenty-four of us talked about ourselves, why we had come and our hopes for the coming week. 'Coming home' was a theme for many. My struggles on three previous Shifu-led retreats made it feel more like school camp. My hopes were to learn more about off-cushion practice and the second stage of Silent Illumination, to avoid my usual frustration and despair ... and to lose some weight.

My first sit…

I felt an immense sense of fear and trepidation when I sent my cheque in for my first WZR. Previous to this my record at sitting was about 12 minutes, during which I would usually get terribly restless and my ankles would hurt due to the amount of sport I have played. On the other side I had spent years devouring books on Buddhism and quite a few other ‘isms’ too. My father had always been…

Mahamudra Retreat February 1999, my Retreat Report

My practice at home had been going well. I had read 'The Yogins of Ladakh' shortly after it was published and had enjoyed it very much. I particularly found Tipun's Notebook revealing. Often I have found the words we use not useful for me in working out where I am in terms of practice (a karmic problem). But somehow the Notebook approached the…

I arrived at Maenllwyd, in the deepest despair I have ever known - the 'dark night of my soul'. Having been to an Introductory Chan Retreat a few months previously, I had some dim awareness that this was a place where I could safely be, that is, be allowed to be, in that dark night.

And indeed, I was in a place, and with people, who accepted my existence well before I could.

I had spoken to…

Pale light after dawn
Low clouds scudding over green fields
Weathervane - SSW

Nine cars
In the yard
Tathagatas

Welsh hills in June
Misty rain
Wet tents

Sunbeams at dusk
Reaching round the corner of the hill
Only this week the sun so far

Cutting the tall grass
goggle eyed frog leaps for safety
Sorry !

Round the temple chanting
Koonyam poussa koon yam poussa
Outside cuckoos calling

Morning mantra
Steadies
M…

This was my first retreat of any kind and it was very difficult to start with the rigorous Chan approach. However, I felt very privileged to be accepted onto the retreat and I did not want to miss such an incredible opportunity to improve my practice. I undertook the retreat on the basis of intuition; it seemed entirely the right thing to do and the right time to be doing it.

Three years ago Zen…